Today would have been10 yers

 Crazy! Today would’ve been our 10 year anniversary. I still can’t believe we’re not together anymore. 10 years. Wow. Never did I ever think I’d be with a man so long and walk away from it. I wish you didn’t pave that road for me to leave.

wow it's been years

 Years since I felt the need to share my feelings anonymously online

The hurt is just too much to keep to myself. I need to let it out

We spent 9.5 years together and i just don't know how to move forward 

We text yesterday. It is so apparent that he accepts zero responsibility of his role in this breakup.

how the fuck is he so oblivious? He is the smartest man I've ever been with. EVER

how the fuck doesn't he see what he did and how it forced my decision

Depression and melancholy

Like two friends you wish you never met, depression and sadness keep coming back to haunt me.

That empty sad feeling. Hopeless. Dreary.

The sun may be out but I don't see it. I can't see past my own self tourment. I have no reason to be sad- but here I am, as I've been before.

Years have passed and nothing has changed.

You leave this world the same way you enter it- crying and screaming

Good days, bad days..

Yeah I get it. Can't appreciate the good days if you don't have bad ones. I just don't understand why I've had so many bad ones lately. I was good for a bit.. was happier more regularly. And then something happened. I'm emotional, unhappy and just plain old cranky. I don't even like being around me lately. What gives? I didn't change anything.

Can it be that this long distance relationship is affecting my mood this way? Do I really need a man to make me happy? Or maybe it's because I don't enjoy what I'm doing at work? I am not excited to come to work, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment with the work I do. I feel like I'm just here for people to assume/expect that I'll be the one to worry about things and make shit happen.

I don't like anything lately. I want to run away. All I have been doing to make me happy lately is drink and I know that is not the right way to go about it.

I haven't been working out as much (or at all) lately. Maybe that's it? I have been so busy with work and personal stuff that the gym just hasn't been a priority. I know that I should be more active, that is usually where I feel the best. I'm apprehensive to go back because I've been gone so long. I know I won't be nearly as good as I was. I'm a fucking mess.

Ugh.

I really can't believe it's been so long

I don't think about you on purpose.
It hurts too much.

The more I try and move on and see what's out there, the more I miss my friend, my lover, you.

I sleep in your t-shirts still. It just makes me feel better when I do.
Your picture still watches me when I sleep.

I will never find someone who affected me like you. My life is forever different having known you, and lost you.


This is still so hard.

And today I am missing you

Having one of those days today. Overwhelmed, feeling like I am drowning in work, and just want to have you hold me.
Is it you I miss or just someone? Honestly, I don't know. I know I need a hug though. I remember that time you came to the house in December after I hadn't seen you for a few weeks, and I hugged you. That feeling was overwhelming. I fought to hold back the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry.

I always felt so safe in your arms babe. I knew that you would do anything to keep me from harm.. I miss THAT feeling.

I'm not good at this

Really I'm not.. Being single is not something I'm good at. 

I met someone, he's awesome, and he's not single. I don't know why he asked for my number, why he was so sweet to me and thoughtful only to keep me at arms length and see me so infrequently. He definitely played me well and I like him so much. I'm set up for disaster. 

Why can't my life be easy ever? I know I'm blessed. I have friends who are invaluable to me. The best family I could ask for, yet I can't find a suitable partner to share my life with. I miss being someone's priority. I want a man to wake up thinking about me. Someone who can't wait see me and spend time with me. I want him to be sexy and fun and strong.. At 38 I think it's time I found this in my life. I can pick up any man I want, it's keeping the right one that's the challenge. 

I have a great life and just want to share it with someone.. Don't think it's too much to ask.. Ugh