Today would have been10 yers

 Crazy! Today would’ve been our 10 year anniversary. I still can’t believe we’re not together anymore. 10 years. Wow. Never did I ever think I’d be with a man so long and walk away from it. I wish you didn’t pave that road for me to leave.

wow it's been years

 Years since I felt the need to share my feelings anonymously online

The hurt is just too much to keep to myself. I need to let it out

We spent 9.5 years together and i just don't know how to move forward 

We text yesterday. It is so apparent that he accepts zero responsibility of his role in this breakup.

how the fuck is he so oblivious? He is the smartest man I've ever been with. EVER

how the fuck doesn't he see what he did and how it forced my decision

Depression and melancholy

Like two friends you wish you never met, depression and sadness keep coming back to haunt me.

That empty sad feeling. Hopeless. Dreary.

The sun may be out but I don't see it. I can't see past my own self tourment. I have no reason to be sad- but here I am, as I've been before.

Years have passed and nothing has changed.

You leave this world the same way you enter it- crying and screaming

Good days, bad days..

Yeah I get it. Can't appreciate the good days if you don't have bad ones. I just don't understand why I've had so many bad ones lately. I was good for a bit.. was happier more regularly. And then something happened. I'm emotional, unhappy and just plain old cranky. I don't even like being around me lately. What gives? I didn't change anything.

Can it be that this long distance relationship is affecting my mood this way? Do I really need a man to make me happy? Or maybe it's because I don't enjoy what I'm doing at work? I am not excited to come to work, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment with the work I do. I feel like I'm just here for people to assume/expect that I'll be the one to worry about things and make shit happen.

I don't like anything lately. I want to run away. All I have been doing to make me happy lately is drink and I know that is not the right way to go about it.

I haven't been working out as much (or at all) lately. Maybe that's it? I have been so busy with work and personal stuff that the gym just hasn't been a priority. I know that I should be more active, that is usually where I feel the best. I'm apprehensive to go back because I've been gone so long. I know I won't be nearly as good as I was. I'm a fucking mess.

Ugh.

I really can't believe it's been so long

I don't think about you on purpose.
It hurts too much.

The more I try and move on and see what's out there, the more I miss my friend, my lover, you.

I sleep in your t-shirts still. It just makes me feel better when I do.
Your picture still watches me when I sleep.

I will never find someone who affected me like you. My life is forever different having known you, and lost you.


This is still so hard.

And today I am missing you

Having one of those days today. Overwhelmed, feeling like I am drowning in work, and just want to have you hold me.
Is it you I miss or just someone? Honestly, I don't know. I know I need a hug though. I remember that time you came to the house in December after I hadn't seen you for a few weeks, and I hugged you. That feeling was overwhelming. I fought to hold back the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry.

I always felt so safe in your arms babe. I knew that you would do anything to keep me from harm.. I miss THAT feeling.

I'm not good at this

Really I'm not.. Being single is not something I'm good at. 

I met someone, he's awesome, and he's not single. I don't know why he asked for my number, why he was so sweet to me and thoughtful only to keep me at arms length and see me so infrequently. He definitely played me well and I like him so much. I'm set up for disaster. 

Why can't my life be easy ever? I know I'm blessed. I have friends who are invaluable to me. The best family I could ask for, yet I can't find a suitable partner to share my life with. I miss being someone's priority. I want a man to wake up thinking about me. Someone who can't wait see me and spend time with me. I want him to be sexy and fun and strong.. At 38 I think it's time I found this in my life. I can pick up any man I want, it's keeping the right one that's the challenge. 

I have a great life and just want to share it with someone.. Don't think it's too much to ask.. Ugh

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you

It is so crazy the way you will just pop into my mind at random moments throughout my day. I miss you so much and try not to think about it because it just hurts.
Things I'm going through now I'd never have had to deal with if you were still here. I wonder who will love me for the rest of my life. I didn't have to wonder about that when you were alive, I knew it would always be you.
I'm not afraid to be alone anymore but it doesn't mean that I like being alone. I miss your friendship, your love, and all the shit that came with it.

You are in my heart always babe.. I hope you know it. :)

Time passes

So much reminding me of you lately. The NFL draft, playoff hockey, playoff basketball.. You were the one I talked sports to. I miss that so much. 

You fucking knew sports like no one I've ever known. It was so impressive the passion you had especially for football.. I am smarter as a result of your knowledge.

11 weeks ago today you left me. It still feels surreal. I can't believe I'll never watch another football game with you. It go see the Yankees together. Nothing. You were my go to for all of those things and I have no one to do them with anymore.. 

I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss you. 

Must remember to write

Seriously it helps me immensely when I remember to write.
It really helps me when I do.

I've been feeling a little off lately. I'm sure it's cause I haven't been to the gym or to the therapist and I'm sick. I need to remember that not every day can be a good one. I'm allowed to have self doubt as long as I don't let it consume me. I'm allowed to feel lonely, as long as I remember to reach out to the people who love me.

I miss your love. It was so comfortable for me. You weren't easy, but your love fit me just fine. I miss the positive reinforcement you gave me. The constant affirmation, the compliments and the physical affection.

It's been 10 weeks (!!!) since I've held your hand. God I miss the way you held me and loved me. You are still and always will be the best lover I've ever had. I miss making love to you.

I know you are with me, and I know you still love me. I just wish right now I could have you hold me and whisper it in my ear. You had such a sexy voice.

I miss you babe, and I love you always.

Wow

You were all in my dreams last night. I mean ALL IN MY DREAMS. They were strange dreams too. You were alive, and I was trying to get you to / from the airport? Not sure on the details but it was you. Woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep and there you were again. You were with me until I woke up (even after a round of snooze too).

I miss you - thanks for keeping me company last night.
Love you.

Haven't posted in a while

One week to be exact.
I've had a crazy week.. went to Ft. Lauderdale and hung out with my boys. I know how much you hated that. You were jealous of my gay friends which was so odd to me. They are more like sisters but you didn't like it anyway.
I didn't bring your shirt with me, and I haven't looked at your pictures. I feel bad about it but it helps me to move on.
I'm trying to be positive in my day to day life. I wake up with a "one life one chance" attitude, because you helped me remember that life is short. I could go at any time and I don't want to die wishing I had done something different. I'm getting the tattoos that I wanted for the longest time, I'm unapologetic about who I am FINALLY.

I like me better now. I'm changing and growing up. I have you to thank for this.
I miss you being around. I wish you could see the woman I'm evolving into. Would have been so nice to evolve together.

I love you and miss you babe. Always.

It comes out of nowhere

I think about you but I am dealing. Life MUST go on even though it's not the same, I need to live my life.  But then it will strike me out of left field and I'll miss you horribly. Like now.
I miss you babe. Not a day passes that I don't talk to your pictures.
You are with me always. I love you.

Thinking of you

Nothing new that I'm thinking about you today. I think about you everyday. This morning I realized my calves are starting to split again. I know how much you loved that. 

I miss your compliments. I miss the confidence I had knowing you loved me like you did. 

Gone too soon babe. Love and miss you. 

Every day is a gift

I need to remember that I have been given a gift today. Waking up was a gift. The day is mine and I am here to live it. Sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I just want to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it and never leave my house. Those are the times when I miss you the most. You loved me like no one else ever has. I know this and I know I won't find that kind of love again.

Tomorrow is 8 fucking weeks since you passed. I really can't understand how you aren't ever going to call me again. I'll never feel your hands on me again. Kiss you. Hit you. Love on you. Every day I struggle with this. Today feels a little harder than most. I'm slow at work and just have a lot of time to think.
I don't like being in this world without you, but I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn't the one who died.

I love you and miss you and am so angry with you. :(

Easter

Easter was so different growing up than it is as a single woman of 38. I'm not just talking about the bunnies or chocolate or any of the kid stuff, I'm talking about family and traditions. 

I grew up with generations of family near me. We lived in the same house as my grandma and my aunt and cousin were a few blocks away. Family was so important and played such a large part of my life growing up. Our house was a block away from a church. Holy Week starting with Palm Sunday was full of traditions. We'd go to church early on Palm Sunday and come home with hands of palm to craft into crosses and braids to give out to friends and family. We would sit around the kitchen table and drink coffee while all the women made beautiful works of art out of the palm. It was awesome! After we would go to the cemetery and visit Papa and decorate his grave for the spring. 

Then all week I would be going to church, Holy Thursday then Good Friday, while mom and grandma would be cooking and preparing goodies for Easter. The house smelled so good between Easter bread and pizzarustica that I couldn't wait until we could eat meat again. The whole family would come over Sunday and dinner would be glorious. 

Now, mom is dead, grandma too.. I haven't been to the cemetery in years and this was the first year I didn't go to church at all. It's sad. I miss the family I had as a child. I know I was so fortunate to have them for as long as I did. It's times like these that I wish I had a family of my own. I would continue to do the things my mom and grandma did, and hope that my children love it as much as I did. 

I could use some of your love today babe, maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and sad. I miss you mom. I miss you grandma. I miss you babe. 

I love you all so much. 

Happy Easter

It doesn't get easier

I just keep myself distracted.
I miss you
I sleep with your shirts STILL
I love you
I can't stand that I can't talk to you
I can't bear the thought of never being held by you again
I ache for you sexually
I will never forget you
I am forever changed from the time we spent together
I learned so much about myself from being with you
It's been nearly 2 months since you left me for good
2 months since we were together
I know that you are with me always
I am mad at you for putting us through this
I am sad that you are gone
I still talk to you in the morning when I wake up
I say goodnight to you before bed
My life is so different without you
I'm not sure if it's better or worse
I don't like that you aren't with me

I love you and miss you always babe - my gnarly dude

Oh man

out of nowhere.. overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears just start flowing and I'm at work. Just great.

I fucking miss you. I can't ignore the pain in my chest all the time no matter how hard I try. I've been so good with trying to be positive and keep my head on straight but sometimes I just can't help it. You were such a part of me, good or bad, you were my love.

Fuck you for doing this to me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.

Today's the day

The reason I'm in Austin is here. Your celebration of life party. Honestly I don't know if I should go or not. Having some second thoughts about it. Some people I don't care to see will be there and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that. I love you and miss you, so I should be able to go and share stories and memories with the people who feel the same way I do. You were a special and significant part of my life and still are. I don't feel your love but I know I have it.

I need to remember that you choose me. You loved me so much, more than anyone else ever. I know that. I know you had a huge heart and you gave love to a lot of people. That's was who you were and I respected that about you. 

People don't understand why I'm here.. Therapist didn't think it was a good idea, rob is surprised I'm here, Clare, etc.. I'm here because I love you. I want closure to this chapter of my life. I am a different person since you left this earth. I learned that I need to live for me everyday. I need to make myself happy. I've been trying to do just that. Being here is one of those things for me. You loved me best why shouldn't I go and be proud of that? I am so proud of the love you gave me. 

I've made a decision to go to the party, but if I feel uncomfortable in any way I'll leave. I'm ok with that. I needed time to get away from the usual grind anyway so this was my excuse. I've made this decision rationally and I'm happy with it. 

No one understands what we went through and no one knows what you and I shared but us. I hold such a special place in my heart for you and that will never change. 

I hope you come today, and celebrate with us in spirit. 

I miss you babe and love you very much. 

Austin

So I'm here. Made it to Austin last night. Flights were good but felt like it took forever to get here. 

I'm staying in the coolest little trailer in east Austin. You would so dig it but you wouldn't fit in the shower without bumping your head haha. 

Woke up this morning and relaxed a bit. I miss you with me. This is my first time here without you. Feels so weird but good. I kind of expected this feeling tho. 

It's like you are with me today. I walked down the street to a meat store that served some bad ass breakfast tacos. The hot sauce was amazing. You would have loved it.. 

Now I'm sitting in the Umlauf sculpture garden..totally here for you. I wanted a place that would be something we would have done together. You would love this place. It's so nice to be here. I'm enjoying my time alone because it's giving me time to reflect and appreciate a great town that holds so many memories of you for me.