It comes out of nowhere

I think about you but I am dealing. Life MUST go on even though it's not the same, I need to live my life.  But then it will strike me out of left field and I'll miss you horribly. Like now.
I miss you babe. Not a day passes that I don't talk to your pictures.
You are with me always. I love you.

Thinking of you

Nothing new that I'm thinking about you today. I think about you everyday. This morning I realized my calves are starting to split again. I know how much you loved that. 

I miss your compliments. I miss the confidence I had knowing you loved me like you did. 

Gone too soon babe. Love and miss you. 

Every day is a gift

I need to remember that I have been given a gift today. Waking up was a gift. The day is mine and I am here to live it. Sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I just want to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it and never leave my house. Those are the times when I miss you the most. You loved me like no one else ever has. I know this and I know I won't find that kind of love again.

Tomorrow is 8 fucking weeks since you passed. I really can't understand how you aren't ever going to call me again. I'll never feel your hands on me again. Kiss you. Hit you. Love on you. Every day I struggle with this. Today feels a little harder than most. I'm slow at work and just have a lot of time to think.
I don't like being in this world without you, but I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn't the one who died.

I love you and miss you and am so angry with you. :(

Easter

Easter was so different growing up than it is as a single woman of 38. I'm not just talking about the bunnies or chocolate or any of the kid stuff, I'm talking about family and traditions. 

I grew up with generations of family near me. We lived in the same house as my grandma and my aunt and cousin were a few blocks away. Family was so important and played such a large part of my life growing up. Our house was a block away from a church. Holy Week starting with Palm Sunday was full of traditions. We'd go to church early on Palm Sunday and come home with hands of palm to craft into crosses and braids to give out to friends and family. We would sit around the kitchen table and drink coffee while all the women made beautiful works of art out of the palm. It was awesome! After we would go to the cemetery and visit Papa and decorate his grave for the spring. 

Then all week I would be going to church, Holy Thursday then Good Friday, while mom and grandma would be cooking and preparing goodies for Easter. The house smelled so good between Easter bread and pizzarustica that I couldn't wait until we could eat meat again. The whole family would come over Sunday and dinner would be glorious. 

Now, mom is dead, grandma too.. I haven't been to the cemetery in years and this was the first year I didn't go to church at all. It's sad. I miss the family I had as a child. I know I was so fortunate to have them for as long as I did. It's times like these that I wish I had a family of my own. I would continue to do the things my mom and grandma did, and hope that my children love it as much as I did. 

I could use some of your love today babe, maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and sad. I miss you mom. I miss you grandma. I miss you babe. 

I love you all so much. 

Happy Easter

It doesn't get easier

I just keep myself distracted.
I miss you
I sleep with your shirts STILL
I love you
I can't stand that I can't talk to you
I can't bear the thought of never being held by you again
I ache for you sexually
I will never forget you
I am forever changed from the time we spent together
I learned so much about myself from being with you
It's been nearly 2 months since you left me for good
2 months since we were together
I know that you are with me always
I am mad at you for putting us through this
I am sad that you are gone
I still talk to you in the morning when I wake up
I say goodnight to you before bed
My life is so different without you
I'm not sure if it's better or worse
I don't like that you aren't with me

I love you and miss you always babe - my gnarly dude

Oh man

out of nowhere.. overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears just start flowing and I'm at work. Just great.

I fucking miss you. I can't ignore the pain in my chest all the time no matter how hard I try. I've been so good with trying to be positive and keep my head on straight but sometimes I just can't help it. You were such a part of me, good or bad, you were my love.

Fuck you for doing this to me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.

Today's the day

The reason I'm in Austin is here. Your celebration of life party. Honestly I don't know if I should go or not. Having some second thoughts about it. Some people I don't care to see will be there and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that. I love you and miss you, so I should be able to go and share stories and memories with the people who feel the same way I do. You were a special and significant part of my life and still are. I don't feel your love but I know I have it.

I need to remember that you choose me. You loved me so much, more than anyone else ever. I know that. I know you had a huge heart and you gave love to a lot of people. That's was who you were and I respected that about you. 

People don't understand why I'm here.. Therapist didn't think it was a good idea, rob is surprised I'm here, Clare, etc.. I'm here because I love you. I want closure to this chapter of my life. I am a different person since you left this earth. I learned that I need to live for me everyday. I need to make myself happy. I've been trying to do just that. Being here is one of those things for me. You loved me best why shouldn't I go and be proud of that? I am so proud of the love you gave me. 

I've made a decision to go to the party, but if I feel uncomfortable in any way I'll leave. I'm ok with that. I needed time to get away from the usual grind anyway so this was my excuse. I've made this decision rationally and I'm happy with it. 

No one understands what we went through and no one knows what you and I shared but us. I hold such a special place in my heart for you and that will never change. 

I hope you come today, and celebrate with us in spirit. 

I miss you babe and love you very much. 

Austin

So I'm here. Made it to Austin last night. Flights were good but felt like it took forever to get here. 

I'm staying in the coolest little trailer in east Austin. You would so dig it but you wouldn't fit in the shower without bumping your head haha. 

Woke up this morning and relaxed a bit. I miss you with me. This is my first time here without you. Feels so weird but good. I kind of expected this feeling tho. 

It's like you are with me today. I walked down the street to a meat store that served some bad ass breakfast tacos. The hot sauce was amazing. You would have loved it.. 

Now I'm sitting in the Umlauf sculpture garden..totally here for you. I wanted a place that would be something we would have done together. You would love this place. It's so nice to be here. I'm enjoying my time alone because it's giving me time to reflect and appreciate a great town that holds so many memories of you for me. 

Can't believe it has been 6 weeks

It is so surreal that you have been gone for 6 weeks now. I miss you everyday but am starting to adjust to not having you here. I miss your voice and your touch. I don't like that I am adjusting to you being gone.
6 weeks since I've felt the love only you could give me
6 weeks since I've kissed your face
6 weeks since I held your hand

6 weeks since my heart broke in two.

This weekend will be hard but good. I will go to those places that remind me of you and feel you with me.
No one can ever replace you in my life.  I will never be the same without you with me.

I love you and miss you every day babe.

Busy weekend

This weekend was definitely a busy one. You were with me everywhere as usual. 

Saturday I got a new tattoo. I was a bundle of nerves waiting alone for the artist to draw up my tattoo. Kept thinking about the last time I got ink. December 7. You met me at the shop that day and stayed with me the entire time. You were awesome that day. You didn't seem drunk or hungover either. You were awesome that day. I still see your face outside rivington tattoos. I was smoking and you kept trying to kiss me, as usual. You got me coffee and a red velvet cupcake while I was getting inked. So sweet. After we went to the meatball shop and had a great dinner. That was a great day for me. I have good memories of that time together. Every time I look at my queen I am reminded of that day. 

This past Saturday started out very nervous and anxious. I was afraid doing it alone. While I was waiting for the tattoo to be drawn up Iron maiden came on the radio. It made me think of you, and I knew you were with me then. I'm very lucky that the crew at wooster social were so nice. From the minute I walked in until after I left I felt like I was with friends. The tattoo came out AMAZING! You would have been proud at how good I sat for it. Rob brought the kids by to see me and that was just awesome. Feels good being around them. You'd have loved to see that Pyke was wearing your high on fire hoodie. It made me happy to see it but so sad because I'm sure he's missing you. Luke is a great artist and I had fun talking with him. Made me at ease while I was getting drilled. Saturday evening ended with Yemil and Karen at salvation taco then cutting room. All in all a great day. 

Yesterday was errands day but I didn't manage to get too much done. I got my nails done.. They are finally getting long again and you'd love how they look. Wish I could send you a pic. I miss you. 

I went out with a few girls from the gym in the evening and danced to some house music. I parked across the street from Amanda's bushes. They put a Harley Davidson dealership on that corner. I think that's so fitting. On the way home I was hungry and stopped at the bagel place. It felt so lonely being there without you. That was your favorite part of driving into the city. I'm struggling remembering what bagel you'd get but I know it always had salmon spread on it. 

Tomorrow you'll be gone 6 weeks. Can't believe it. Still think I'll get a txt or call from you. I know I won't but I think about it. Thursday I'm off to Austin. Saturday will be your party. It's going to be so surreal being in tx without you. Austin was always explored with you. I'm gonna miss you with me. I think about you all the time babe. I'm crying less tho. I guess that's a good thing. I feel like I'm disrespecting you by not crying but I know that's just my own crazy thought. I keep telling myself that you died and I didn't. I'm living and have to make each day count. Life is short, and we only get one chance. I want to make the most of it. I keep your memory with me and hope you are watching over me. 

I still sleep in your shirts and your picture comes with me to bed every night. I miss you and love you so much. 

It is so hard

nothing makes it better when I feel like this. I miss you and CAN'T STAND BEING AWAY FROM YOU.
I wish I could bring you back.

You're Dead - Alkaline Trio

What the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thick as our skulls yet it's thinner than air

I have something to say
If the chip off your shoulder should fall to your chest 
Get it off right away
Cause if you don't then it won't be in peace that you rest
It's just a matter of time
That we all go away to a better place I'm told
It all sounds well and fine
But without you around I feel nothing but cold

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

So what the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best 

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thin as our skulls yet it's thicker than air

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again
And all the time they took talking in circles
To get them off the hook would take miracle workers
We're nowhere near prepared there's
no way of knowing
Why don't they just admit they're scared
Cause its already showing

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again

So much to tell you

It's incredible how much I miss telling you things that happen in my day. I miss that so much. Sharing what happened with you always made it more real. Granted, sometimes you would drive me nuts and tease me when I didn't want to be teased but according to you that was how you showed me you love me. I miss your love so much. 

I'm planning my next tattoo.. Crazy that you aren't here to do this with me. You'd like what I'm going to get. Hurts to know I'm not going to have you there to hold my hand. December 7 was the day I goty queen. You were at the shop before me, took care of me while I was getting inked- coffee and cupcake :). After we had a nice dinner at the meatball shop. I can still see you sitting across the table from me and think of how nice that day was. The Thursday before was when whitey and I crashed. That weekend you spent with me. You were always supportive of me, always. You listened to all my crazy thoughts and never thought I was crazy. You understood me and loved me despite of all my shit. You were a good man who could have been great. 

I have so many great memories of time we spent together. I'm sad that we won't be making any new ones. You broke your promise to me babe. You promised I wouldn't be an old maid.. You were supposed to be my man forever. I miss you so much. My heart hurts and again I find it so hard to breathe. The loss of you is something I just can't accept. I cry over you all the time. I'm so sad and ache to have you around. I know I'll never feel that safe and loved again. Life without you feels wrong. I am missing a big part of myself. 

I hope you are watching me. I know my mommy is watching me too. So much love that has left me. I feel alone.. Lost.. Sad. You were my greatest love babe. I'm proud of everything we experienced together - good and bad. 

Another day without you. :( I love and miss you so much. 

Had a great time last night

So after months of waiting I got to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig last night. It was fucking incredible! Of course as soon as I say goodbye to my girls I wanted to call you and tell you about it. 

I still want to share everything with you. I'm missing your friendship. I know I took it for granted a bit. I really just expected you'd be there forever. I wish I'd have known you would be leaving this world so soon. Yes I think I'd have been different if I'd known. I don't think I could have changed the outcome but at least I wouldn't have wasted the last month I could have had with you. I was with you when I heard you were sick. Why didn't you reach out for help? 3 weeks sick or more and you did nothing. I don't understand that. You made it worse and not better. Why? You knew you were sick, why make it worse? Did you think about anyone else but yourself? Your kids? The people who loved you? Did you realize we all loved you so much? I honestly don't think so. I hope you realize it now. I do still love you and think about you all the time. A part of me died with you on February 25. I will never be the same. 

I love you and miss you so much. 

Just heard your laugh

Watched an old video you took of me training at the gym. G hit me in the face and I heard your laugh.
It made me so happy for a minute until I started crying.
I miss you everyday.

Nice day today

It's spring out today. First day of the year that it feels actually nice out.
I see couples walking around all in love and happy - and all I think of is how my love is gone.
I'm not happy. Not since you left. I can count how many times I've actually laughed since you've been gone. I am missing part of me. That part of me that you held.
It is so hard to do this without you. I miss you.

April 1st

5 weeks ago today you left this world. I still struggle with this reality. I still check my phone when I wake up still hoping I'll get a txt from you. Every morning I'm disapointed when I realize it won't ever happen again. 

I miss you. This is the second month you aren't here for. Spring is here and you left in winter. So surreal.. Missed you more than usual last night. I spent the evening alone and wished I had you to talk with and spend time with. I miss our time together. I miss everything!

I did some shopping yesterday cause I missed class and after I got what I needed I felt like getting a drink. Our bar was close by but I couldn't bring myself to go there. I don't know if they know you are gone and I couldn't deal with that last night. I want to go there because it reminds me of you. And I love to be reminded of you.. But I guess last night wasn't the right time. 

You truly are everywhere for me. You were so engrained in my routine that I feel this loss more. My life is not the same without you, there is a lot less love in my world since you've been gone. 

I miss your love. I love you.