Grieving

I'm feeling so lost right now. The crying comes and goes, but this hole I feel in my world is constant. I wake up in the morning and check my phone. You would usually message me after I was asleep so I would wake up with a message from you. Haven't gotten a message in the morning since Valentines day. I know you loved me as much as you could have. We had so many good times and I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you. Maybe if I had done something different you would be with me and healthy right now. I know it had to come from inside you but that gives me little comfort. I feel like I failed you. Damn you for making me feel that way. 

I tried so hard with you. Gave you more chances than any other man I've ever known. I know you knew that. You needed more than I could have given to you. Hell I don't think anyone could have given you what you needed. You needed to change how you thought and felt. Talking to my therapist is helping me figure you out better. You should have kept up with your sessions. I honestly didn't realize you were so possessed by drinking. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were overindulgent, not addicted. You functioned fine without it as far as I could tell. The stuff that went down in September should have been OUR wake up call. It worked for me but not you. Then there is the weekend in December. I realized then that it was already too late for you. I knew I couldn't live that way and losing me wasn't enough of a wake up call for you. I wish it was different. We were so good when you were healthy. My best friend like no other. This pain is so real it's unbearable. I can't escape it babe I'm hurting so bad. I miss your love in my world. You were supposed to get better and we were going to make it work. 

I wish I could talk to you now. Miss your voice. Miss your big man paws holding me. I felt so small and comforted when you held me. I love that feeling. I remember when you came over after I hadn't seen you for a while. You walked in and I hugged you. I had to hold back my tears that night because it felt so nice to be wrapped in your arms and to breathe you in. I tried to be strong so you knew I was serious but I wanted to take you back right then. I wish you were able to do what you knew was the right thing so we could be together. Stop drinking.. You couldn't. Now I have to do what I need to for my life to go on. It hurts to know that I have to move on without you. My days are joyless since you've gone babe. I miss you so much. 

February 25 at 6:20 am

I was sitting on my couch going through the pictures on your phone. Saw all of the pictures you saved of me and us. We were so dirty together. You were by far the best lover I've ever had.  I was sending myself pictures, crying like a baby while your brother and I were having coffee. I was going to go to work and asked him to call the hospital and check on you, I knew something was wrong. He called at 7:40 and they told him you passed at 6:20. I lost it. I lost you. A piece of me was gone forever.

I am still in disbelief.. One week without you and I keep hoping you will txt and that this is some cruel nightmare. I know you won't, you can't.

I am so glad that we had out time together that Sunday. You opened your eyes and saw me there. I was holding your hand rubbing your arm. When you saw me you tried to talk. I told you that you couldn't talk with the tube in your throat. You squeezed my hand and looked at me with those sad eyes. I asked you if you wanted to tell me something and you nodded. I asked you if you wanted to apologize to me. You locked eyes with me and nodded. I asked you if you loved me and you grunted and gave me the "are you kidding me?" look with your eyes. I lost it and told you that I loved you so much and kissed your check. You leaned in to try and kiss me, so I asked "are you trying to kiss me babe?" you nodded. I had to laugh. That was my Lance. I told you that we couldn't kiss but I could kiss you, and I did. You were with it, you understood I was there you knew it was me and you felt me love on you. I didn't leave you that day. We had the best day I could have asked for. For a few hours I had you with me.. Really. It was so bitter sweet. I knew it would be our last time together. Sunday was so hard..I was afraid if I left you that you would die alone. That thought made me sick. You didn't deserve that. When you took a turn for the worse in the afternoon Johnny k was with me. That was the beginning if the end. You were sedated and never opened your eyes again. My life is forever changed.. I am struggling with this reality. It hurts. I keep listening to your voicemails where you are telling me how much you love me. I wish that love would have been enough to make you want to change. I wish you were capable of change. Instead you slowly killed yourself. Doc A told me it sounded like an unintentional suicide, and I definitely agree. You were hurting and I knew it but had no idea it was as bad as it was.

That day was so hard for me. I spent the morning with your children. Made them my pancakes with real bacon and laughed with them because you would have wanted that. Those boys are so special. I feel closer to you when I'm near them. Then the hard reality hit- we went to your apartment to clean it up. We were in shock at what we found. I had no idea how bad you got. The pain you must have been in for so long was staring us in the face. Bottles with piss in them next to the empty alcohol bottles, along with the paraphernalia we found was just inconceivable. The fact that you gave up was written all over that room. That might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it would have happened one way or the other, your demise was inevitable but I still can't help but feel responsible. I keep thinking what if I didn't shut you out if you'd be here today. But I know I couldn't change you. I wanted to but you needed to want to change. You were sick, so so sick. I'm sorry if I failed you babe. If I knew it would be like this things would have been so different. I would have done anything to not feel like this now. Anything. But I didn't, and I can't bring you back. I wish love was enough for you. You were so loved by so many people.

One week

A week ago almost exactly i saw you alive for the last time. You were so sick. I held your hand and kissed your check and told you that I love you. Did you know I was there? Did you feel me hold your hand? It hurt so much to leave that night.. I knew it would be the last time I'd be with you. I knew you were dying but still hoped for a miracle. I didn't get one. Instead I got a broken heart. I can't believe I'll never hear you say my name again. I'll never feel you look at me again. Never lay with you, kiss you, feel your hands on me. These thoughts make my chest hurt. How could you be gone? You were supposed to get your shit together because you loved me that much. I begged you to change.. You couldn't..

Now I sit here crying still in shock missing all the bullshit you came with. I couldn't quit you and you knew it. Now I have no choice. I can't think of anything else but you. I see reminders of you everywhere I turn. I've never felt pain like this before babe. I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. I feel the absence of your love from my life. It's profound the love we had. It wasn't always good but it was passionate. I've never felt so special than when you looked at me with that look. God I miss it. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for leaving me.. I'm lonely without you in this world. We were connected, in some crazy way we were. I'd think about you then I'd hear from you. It always happened. You couldn't stop thinking of me because I couldn't stop thinking of you. I've never known heartache like this before. 

You were supposed to be the one who loves me forever. Now what do I do?

Life is short

Hug the ones you love and tell them you love them. you never know when they won't be there. life is short, don't let it pass you by.

Okcupid and online dating

yes.. i'm still single! another 2.5 year failed relationship with the wrong man and here i am almost 38 and still single. so, once again i find myself dating online. i joined okcupid a few days ago and it has been a very enlightening experience so far. some of the things i've learned are:

• most men who are my age look way older than i think they should
• apparently i am very popular with men in their late 20's
• when a guy in his 20's asks you to txt it's not because they want to actually talk to you, they want to send you dirty pictures and sext..
• younger guys have no problems sending you sex pictures
• younger guys have a plentitude of penis photos, videos (yes, i said videos) and an appetite for some seriously unconventional sex
• some people put way too much effort into their profiles
• "liking" someone doesn't mean you like them

I've learned so much in the past few days.. and i'm feeling very old. i have never thought of myself as a prude but DAMN.. kids these days. We will see how this goes.. stay tuned

the longest i've gone without speaking to him

ugh! haven't heard from him since he left the apt on sunday afternoon. i guess its to be expected, i mean we did break up.. i should be planning my fucking wedding instead i'm crying like a baby depressed and feeling like shit. i really thought it was my time to be happy.. i'm beginning to think that time will never come.

keeping your word

i gave you my word that i wouldn't stand for it anymore. and i didn't. but man does this suck.
i wonder if you are as sad as i am.
if you miss me as much as i miss u
if your heart hurts at the thought of not waking up next to me.
if you feel like you've lost the best thing in your world.

i want to call you and hear your voice.. i want to ask you all of these questions but i won't. i can't. it's time for me to hold my ground and not let my heart rule my life anymore. it's gotten me nowhere in 35 years and i don't want the next 35 to be more of the same.

seeing you on sunday, having you hold me for a minute was the most peaceful i've felt in weeks.
and now i'm at work, crying at my desk just thinking about it all.. what a life