Grieving

I'm feeling so lost right now. The crying comes and goes, but this hole I feel in my world is constant. I wake up in the morning and check my phone. You would usually message me after I was asleep so I would wake up with a message from you. Haven't gotten a message in the morning since Valentines day. I know you loved me as much as you could have. We had so many good times and I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you. Maybe if I had done something different you would be with me and healthy right now. I know it had to come from inside you but that gives me little comfort. I feel like I failed you. Damn you for making me feel that way. 

I tried so hard with you. Gave you more chances than any other man I've ever known. I know you knew that. You needed more than I could have given to you. Hell I don't think anyone could have given you what you needed. You needed to change how you thought and felt. Talking to my therapist is helping me figure you out better. You should have kept up with your sessions. I honestly didn't realize you were so possessed by drinking. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were overindulgent, not addicted. You functioned fine without it as far as I could tell. The stuff that went down in September should have been OUR wake up call. It worked for me but not you. Then there is the weekend in December. I realized then that it was already too late for you. I knew I couldn't live that way and losing me wasn't enough of a wake up call for you. I wish it was different. We were so good when you were healthy. My best friend like no other. This pain is so real it's unbearable. I can't escape it babe I'm hurting so bad. I miss your love in my world. You were supposed to get better and we were going to make it work. 

I wish I could talk to you now. Miss your voice. Miss your big man paws holding me. I felt so small and comforted when you held me. I love that feeling. I remember when you came over after I hadn't seen you for a while. You walked in and I hugged you. I had to hold back my tears that night because it felt so nice to be wrapped in your arms and to breathe you in. I tried to be strong so you knew I was serious but I wanted to take you back right then. I wish you were able to do what you knew was the right thing so we could be together. Stop drinking.. You couldn't. Now I have to do what I need to for my life to go on. It hurts to know that I have to move on without you. My days are joyless since you've gone babe. I miss you so much.