February 25 at 6:20 am

I was sitting on my couch going through the pictures on your phone. Saw all of the pictures you saved of me and us. We were so dirty together. You were by far the best lover I've ever had.  I was sending myself pictures, crying like a baby while your brother and I were having coffee. I was going to go to work and asked him to call the hospital and check on you, I knew something was wrong. He called at 7:40 and they told him you passed at 6:20. I lost it. I lost you. A piece of me was gone forever.

I am still in disbelief.. One week without you and I keep hoping you will txt and that this is some cruel nightmare. I know you won't, you can't.

I am so glad that we had out time together that Sunday. You opened your eyes and saw me there. I was holding your hand rubbing your arm. When you saw me you tried to talk. I told you that you couldn't talk with the tube in your throat. You squeezed my hand and looked at me with those sad eyes. I asked you if you wanted to tell me something and you nodded. I asked you if you wanted to apologize to me. You locked eyes with me and nodded. I asked you if you loved me and you grunted and gave me the "are you kidding me?" look with your eyes. I lost it and told you that I loved you so much and kissed your check. You leaned in to try and kiss me, so I asked "are you trying to kiss me babe?" you nodded. I had to laugh. That was my Lance. I told you that we couldn't kiss but I could kiss you, and I did. You were with it, you understood I was there you knew it was me and you felt me love on you. I didn't leave you that day. We had the best day I could have asked for. For a few hours I had you with me.. Really. It was so bitter sweet. I knew it would be our last time together. Sunday was so hard..I was afraid if I left you that you would die alone. That thought made me sick. You didn't deserve that. When you took a turn for the worse in the afternoon Johnny k was with me. That was the beginning if the end. You were sedated and never opened your eyes again. My life is forever changed.. I am struggling with this reality. It hurts. I keep listening to your voicemails where you are telling me how much you love me. I wish that love would have been enough to make you want to change. I wish you were capable of change. Instead you slowly killed yourself. Doc A told me it sounded like an unintentional suicide, and I definitely agree. You were hurting and I knew it but had no idea it was as bad as it was.

That day was so hard for me. I spent the morning with your children. Made them my pancakes with real bacon and laughed with them because you would have wanted that. Those boys are so special. I feel closer to you when I'm near them. Then the hard reality hit- we went to your apartment to clean it up. We were in shock at what we found. I had no idea how bad you got. The pain you must have been in for so long was staring us in the face. Bottles with piss in them next to the empty alcohol bottles, along with the paraphernalia we found was just inconceivable. The fact that you gave up was written all over that room. That might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it would have happened one way or the other, your demise was inevitable but I still can't help but feel responsible. I keep thinking what if I didn't shut you out if you'd be here today. But I know I couldn't change you. I wanted to but you needed to want to change. You were sick, so so sick. I'm sorry if I failed you babe. If I knew it would be like this things would have been so different. I would have done anything to not feel like this now. Anything. But I didn't, and I can't bring you back. I wish love was enough for you. You were so loved by so many people.