Tacos

Was by my old job tonight. So many memories of you visiting me at work it's crazy. Our taco place closed... Nothing will ever be the same

Feelings

Today I'm feeling a lot of self doubt and self loathing. Feeling like I should have done something, or that I could have prevented this. I am perceptive so how didn't I know this was happening??

I just watched an amazing video of people kissing for the first time. Total strangers who just came together to kiss. What a beautiful memory I have of our first date. Once we started talking I was yours in spite of myself. We were that couple in the bar who couldn't stop kissing each other. You walked me to the bus stop and I can't even remember how many busses we let pass because we just weren't done with each other. That was the night of "Amanda's bushes" and you pulling out all the stops to try and get me somewhere so we could get naked. Most memorable moment was when, while completely engrossed in each other's passionate kissing, you slid your hand up the back of my skirt and touched my ass. I couldn't believe you had the balls to do that. Told me that it could have gone one of two ways, I could have slapped you or just keep on kissing you. I laughed. You said you wanted to know what I had on under my skirt.. what kind of panties I wore. That was when I told you that you had game. And that you had babe, you had so much game. You knew me and my body and we felt complete when we were intimate. I know I did and you've told me so many times how our amazing sex life wasn't only because we were good at sex but it was the feelings behind it. I know that now to be true even though I denied it to both you and myself for years.

I miss you. I long for your touch on my skin. You lips on mine. I will never forget how good you felt.

Unbelievable

2 weeks ago you left this world. I can't believe it. I still wake up and forget you are gone, and my heart breaks all over again when I realize what happened. 

You were right about a lot of things. We left a lot of love on the table when we split. I needed you to make an effort, that was my only demand. I hoped that you would hate being without me so much that you would change. I'd been asking since December and you just did the opposite. 

I hurt all the time these days. My heart is truly broken over this. I can't understand what happened. How did you loose hope? I got mean, so did you. I never didn't reply to you despite it. There isn't anyone who knew you that isn't hurting right now. You had so much to give and you drank it all away. I will never be the same again. Losing you has changed me  forever. Do you see how much I hurt? How desperate I am to feel connected to you? This is the longest I've gone without talking to you. Breakups or not we were always in touch. I couldn't quit you and I hope you know I didn't. I keep wondering why you didn't tell me how sick you were. If you needed help did you know I'd never deny you? I would have done anything for you. Your love was so special... You were so special. 

I know you loved me. I hope you know that I love you still. 

Hard days

I wonder if you know how hard it is for so many people to get on with their lives without you. I'm so devastated and the minute I think I have a handle on it, I realize I don't.
God I MISS YOU SO MUCH. This hurts so bad. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. 2 weeks of this nightmare. I think about you all the time- can't think of anything else.

I'm planning on going to the gym tonight. I'm feeling so anxious about going there. I associate that place with you and I know I'll be checking the door a thousand times to see if you came to watch, when I know you can't. 

I wish things were different. I wish you were still here. I'm sad, all the time. Did I miss the signs? Was there something I could have done to avoid this? I know you weren't my responsibility but I feel responsible for this. 

My life has changed as a result of knowing you. I'm devastated that you aren't here to change with me. Who knows how my life will turn out. I always thought you'd be a part of it regardless. Now all I have are memories. I'm selfish and I want more! This isn't how it was supposed to end for us. No one will ever be you. 

Grieving

I'm feeling so lost right now. The crying comes and goes, but this hole I feel in my world is constant. I wake up in the morning and check my phone. You would usually message me after I was asleep so I would wake up with a message from you. Haven't gotten a message in the morning since Valentines day. I know you loved me as much as you could have. We had so many good times and I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you. Maybe if I had done something different you would be with me and healthy right now. I know it had to come from inside you but that gives me little comfort. I feel like I failed you. Damn you for making me feel that way. 

I tried so hard with you. Gave you more chances than any other man I've ever known. I know you knew that. You needed more than I could have given to you. Hell I don't think anyone could have given you what you needed. You needed to change how you thought and felt. Talking to my therapist is helping me figure you out better. You should have kept up with your sessions. I honestly didn't realize you were so possessed by drinking. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were overindulgent, not addicted. You functioned fine without it as far as I could tell. The stuff that went down in September should have been OUR wake up call. It worked for me but not you. Then there is the weekend in December. I realized then that it was already too late for you. I knew I couldn't live that way and losing me wasn't enough of a wake up call for you. I wish it was different. We were so good when you were healthy. My best friend like no other. This pain is so real it's unbearable. I can't escape it babe I'm hurting so bad. I miss your love in my world. You were supposed to get better and we were going to make it work. 

I wish I could talk to you now. Miss your voice. Miss your big man paws holding me. I felt so small and comforted when you held me. I love that feeling. I remember when you came over after I hadn't seen you for a while. You walked in and I hugged you. I had to hold back my tears that night because it felt so nice to be wrapped in your arms and to breathe you in. I tried to be strong so you knew I was serious but I wanted to take you back right then. I wish you were able to do what you knew was the right thing so we could be together. Stop drinking.. You couldn't. Now I have to do what I need to for my life to go on. It hurts to know that I have to move on without you. My days are joyless since you've gone babe. I miss you so much. 

February 25 at 6:20 am

I was sitting on my couch going through the pictures on your phone. Saw all of the pictures you saved of me and us. We were so dirty together. You were by far the best lover I've ever had.  I was sending myself pictures, crying like a baby while your brother and I were having coffee. I was going to go to work and asked him to call the hospital and check on you, I knew something was wrong. He called at 7:40 and they told him you passed at 6:20. I lost it. I lost you. A piece of me was gone forever.

I am still in disbelief.. One week without you and I keep hoping you will txt and that this is some cruel nightmare. I know you won't, you can't.

I am so glad that we had out time together that Sunday. You opened your eyes and saw me there. I was holding your hand rubbing your arm. When you saw me you tried to talk. I told you that you couldn't talk with the tube in your throat. You squeezed my hand and looked at me with those sad eyes. I asked you if you wanted to tell me something and you nodded. I asked you if you wanted to apologize to me. You locked eyes with me and nodded. I asked you if you loved me and you grunted and gave me the "are you kidding me?" look with your eyes. I lost it and told you that I loved you so much and kissed your check. You leaned in to try and kiss me, so I asked "are you trying to kiss me babe?" you nodded. I had to laugh. That was my Lance. I told you that we couldn't kiss but I could kiss you, and I did. You were with it, you understood I was there you knew it was me and you felt me love on you. I didn't leave you that day. We had the best day I could have asked for. For a few hours I had you with me.. Really. It was so bitter sweet. I knew it would be our last time together. Sunday was so hard..I was afraid if I left you that you would die alone. That thought made me sick. You didn't deserve that. When you took a turn for the worse in the afternoon Johnny k was with me. That was the beginning if the end. You were sedated and never opened your eyes again. My life is forever changed.. I am struggling with this reality. It hurts. I keep listening to your voicemails where you are telling me how much you love me. I wish that love would have been enough to make you want to change. I wish you were capable of change. Instead you slowly killed yourself. Doc A told me it sounded like an unintentional suicide, and I definitely agree. You were hurting and I knew it but had no idea it was as bad as it was.

That day was so hard for me. I spent the morning with your children. Made them my pancakes with real bacon and laughed with them because you would have wanted that. Those boys are so special. I feel closer to you when I'm near them. Then the hard reality hit- we went to your apartment to clean it up. We were in shock at what we found. I had no idea how bad you got. The pain you must have been in for so long was staring us in the face. Bottles with piss in them next to the empty alcohol bottles, along with the paraphernalia we found was just inconceivable. The fact that you gave up was written all over that room. That might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it would have happened one way or the other, your demise was inevitable but I still can't help but feel responsible. I keep thinking what if I didn't shut you out if you'd be here today. But I know I couldn't change you. I wanted to but you needed to want to change. You were sick, so so sick. I'm sorry if I failed you babe. If I knew it would be like this things would have been so different. I would have done anything to not feel like this now. Anything. But I didn't, and I can't bring you back. I wish love was enough for you. You were so loved by so many people.

One week

A week ago almost exactly i saw you alive for the last time. You were so sick. I held your hand and kissed your check and told you that I love you. Did you know I was there? Did you feel me hold your hand? It hurt so much to leave that night.. I knew it would be the last time I'd be with you. I knew you were dying but still hoped for a miracle. I didn't get one. Instead I got a broken heart. I can't believe I'll never hear you say my name again. I'll never feel you look at me again. Never lay with you, kiss you, feel your hands on me. These thoughts make my chest hurt. How could you be gone? You were supposed to get your shit together because you loved me that much. I begged you to change.. You couldn't..

Now I sit here crying still in shock missing all the bullshit you came with. I couldn't quit you and you knew it. Now I have no choice. I can't think of anything else but you. I see reminders of you everywhere I turn. I've never felt pain like this before babe. I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. I feel the absence of your love from my life. It's profound the love we had. It wasn't always good but it was passionate. I've never felt so special than when you looked at me with that look. God I miss it. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for leaving me.. I'm lonely without you in this world. We were connected, in some crazy way we were. I'd think about you then I'd hear from you. It always happened. You couldn't stop thinking of me because I couldn't stop thinking of you. I've never known heartache like this before. 

You were supposed to be the one who loves me forever. Now what do I do?