Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Depression and melancholy

Like two friends you wish you never met, depression and sadness keep coming back to haunt me.
That empty sad feeling. Hopeless. Dreary.
The sun may be out but I don't see it. I can't see past my own self tourment. I have no reason to be sad- but here I am, as I've been before.
Years have passed and nothing has changed.
You leave this world the same way you enter it- crying and screaming

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Good days, bad days..

Yeah I get it. Can't appreciate the good days if you don't have bad ones. I just don't understand why I've had so many bad ones lately. I was good for a bit.. was happier more regularly. And then something happened. I'm emotional, unhappy and just plain old cranky. I don't even like being around me lately. What gives? I didn't change anything.

Can it be that this long distance relationship is affecting my mood this way? Do I really need a man to make me happy? Or maybe it's because I don't enjoy what I'm doing at work? I am not excited to come to work, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment with the work I do. I feel like I'm just here for people to assume/expect that I'll be the one to worry about things and make shit happen.

I don't like anything lately. I want to run away. All I have been doing to make me happy lately is drink and I know that is not the right way to go about it.

I haven't been working out as much (or at all) lately. Maybe that's it? I have been so busy with work and personal stuff that the gym just hasn't been a priority. I know that I should be more active, that is usually where I feel the best. I'm apprehensive to go back because I've been gone so long. I know I won't be nearly as good as I was. I'm a fucking mess.


Friday, October 10, 2014

I really can't believe it's been so long

I don't think about you on purpose.
It hurts too much.

The more I try and move on and see what's out there, the more I miss my friend, my lover, you.

I sleep in your t-shirts still. It just makes me feel better when I do.
Your picture still watches me when I sleep.

I will never find someone who affected me like you. My life is forever different having known you, and lost you.

This is still so hard.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

And today I am missing you

Having one of those days today. Overwhelmed, feeling like I am drowning in work, and just want to have you hold me.
Is it you I miss or just someone? Honestly, I don't know. I know I need a hug though. I remember that time you came to the house in December after I hadn't seen you for a few weeks, and I hugged you. That feeling was overwhelming. I fought to hold back the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry.

I always felt so safe in your arms babe. I knew that you would do anything to keep me from harm.. I miss THAT feeling.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm not good at this

Really I'm not.. Being single is not something I'm good at. 
I met someone, he's awesome, and he's not single. I don't know why he asked for my number, why he was so sweet to me and thoughtful only to keep me at arms length and see me so infrequently. He definitely played me well and I like him so much. I'm set up for disaster. 
Why can't my life be easy ever? I know I'm blessed. I have friends who are invaluable to me. The best family I could ask for, yet I can't find a suitable partner to share my life with. I miss being someone's priority. I want a man to wake up thinking about me. Someone who can't wait see me and spend time with me. I want him to be sexy and fun and strong.. At 38 I think it's time I found this in my life. I can pick up any man I want, it's keeping the right one that's the challenge. 
I have a great life and just want to share it with someone.. Don't think it's too much to ask.. Ugh

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you

It is so crazy the way you will just pop into my mind at random moments throughout my day. I miss you so much and try not to think about it because it just hurts.
Things I'm going through now I'd never have had to deal with if you were still here. I wonder who will love me for the rest of my life. I didn't have to wonder about that when you were alive, I knew it would always be you.
I'm not afraid to be alone anymore but it doesn't mean that I like being alone. I miss your friendship, your love, and all the shit that came with it.

You are in my heart always babe.. I hope you know it. :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time passes

So much reminding me of you lately. The NFL draft, playoff hockey, playoff basketball.. You were the one I talked sports to. I miss that so much. 
You fucking knew sports like no one I've ever known. It was so impressive the passion you had especially for football.. I am smarter as a result of your knowledge.
11 weeks ago today you left me. It still feels surreal. I can't believe I'll never watch another football game with you. It go see the Yankees together. Nothing. You were my go to for all of those things and I have no one to do them with anymore.. 
I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss you.