Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Oh man

out of nowhere.. overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears just start flowing and I'm at work. Just great.

I fucking miss you. I can't ignore the pain in my chest all the time no matter how hard I try. I've been so good with trying to be positive and keep my head on straight but sometimes I just can't help it. You were such a part of me, good or bad, you were my love.

Fuck you for doing this to me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Today's the day

The reason I'm in Austin is here. Your celebration of life party. Honestly I don't know if I should go or not. Having some second thoughts about it. Some people I don't care to see will be there and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that. I love you and miss you, so I should be able to go and share stories and memories with the people who feel the same way I do. You were a special and significant part of my life and still are. I don't feel your love but I know I have it.
I need to remember that you choose me. You loved me so much, more than anyone else ever. I know that. I know you had a huge heart and you gave love to a lot of people. That's was who you were and I respected that about you. 
People don't understand why I'm here.. Therapist didn't think it was a good idea, rob is surprised I'm here, Clare, etc.. I'm here because I love you. I want closure to this chapter of my life. I am a different person since you left this earth. I learned that I need to live for me everyday. I need to make myself happy. I've been trying to do just that. Being here is one of those things for me. You loved me best why shouldn't I go and be proud of that? I am so proud of the love you gave me. 
I've made a decision to go to the party, but if I feel uncomfortable in any way I'll leave. I'm ok with that. I needed time to get away from the usual grind anyway so this was my excuse. I've made this decision rationally and I'm happy with it. 
No one understands what we went through and no one knows what you and I shared but us. I hold such a special place in my heart for you and that will never change. 
I hope you come today, and celebrate with us in spirit. 
I miss you babe and love you very much. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Austin

So I'm here. Made it to Austin last night. Flights were good but felt like it took forever to get here. 
I'm staying in the coolest little trailer in east Austin. You would so dig it but you wouldn't fit in the shower without bumping your head haha. 
Woke up this morning and relaxed a bit. I miss you with me. This is my first time here without you. Feels so weird but good. I kind of expected this feeling tho. 
It's like you are with me today. I walked down the street to a meat store that served some bad ass breakfast tacos. The hot sauce was amazing. You would have loved it.. 
Now I'm sitting in the Umlauf sculpture garden..totally here for you. I wanted a place that would be something we would have done together. You would love this place. It's so nice to be here. I'm enjoying my time alone because it's giving me time to reflect and appreciate a great town that holds so many memories of you for me. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Can't believe it has been 6 weeks

It is so surreal that you have been gone for 6 weeks now. I miss you everyday but am starting to adjust to not having you here. I miss your voice and your touch. I don't like that I am adjusting to you being gone.
6 weeks since I've felt the love only you could give me
6 weeks since I've kissed your face
6 weeks since I held your hand

6 weeks since my heart broke in two.

This weekend will be hard but good. I will go to those places that remind me of you and feel you with me.
No one can ever replace you in my life.  I will never be the same without you with me.

I love you and miss you every day babe.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Busy weekend

This weekend was definitely a busy one. You were with me everywhere as usual. 
Saturday I got a new tattoo. I was a bundle of nerves waiting alone for the artist to draw up my tattoo. Kept thinking about the last time I got ink. December 7. You met me at the shop that day and stayed with me the entire time. You were awesome that day. You didn't seem drunk or hungover either. You were awesome that day. I still see your face outside rivington tattoos. I was smoking and you kept trying to kiss me, as usual. You got me coffee and a red velvet cupcake while I was getting inked. So sweet. After we went to the meatball shop and had a great dinner. That was a great day for me. I have good memories of that time together. Every time I look at my queen I am reminded of that day. 

This past Saturday started out very nervous and anxious. I was afraid doing it alone. While I was waiting for the tattoo to be drawn up Iron maiden came on the radio. It made me think of you, and I knew you were with me then. I'm very lucky that the crew at wooster social were so nice. From the minute I walked in until after I left I felt like I was with friends. The tattoo came out AMAZING! You would have been proud at how good I sat for it. Rob brought the kids by to see me and that was just awesome. Feels good being around them. You'd have loved to see that Pyke was wearing your high on fire hoodie. It made me happy to see it but so sad because I'm sure he's missing you. Luke is a great artist and I had fun talking with him. Made me at ease while I was getting drilled. Saturday evening ended with Yemil and Karen at salvation taco then cutting room. All in all a great day. 
Yesterday was errands day but I didn't manage to get too much done. I got my nails done.. They are finally getting long again and you'd love how they look. Wish I could send you a pic. I miss you. 
I went out with a few girls from the gym in the evening and danced to some house music. I parked across the street from Amanda's bushes. They put a Harley Davidson dealership on that corner. I think that's so fitting. On the way home I was hungry and stopped at the bagel place. It felt so lonely being there without you. That was your favorite part of driving into the city. I'm struggling remembering what bagel you'd get but I know it always had salmon spread on it. 
Tomorrow you'll be gone 6 weeks. Can't believe it. Still think I'll get a txt or call from you. I know I won't but I think about it. Thursday I'm off to Austin. Saturday will be your party. It's going to be so surreal being in tx without you. Austin was always explored with you. I'm gonna miss you with me. I think about you all the time babe. I'm crying less tho. I guess that's a good thing. I feel like I'm disrespecting you by not crying but I know that's just my own crazy thought. I keep telling myself that you died and I didn't. I'm living and have to make each day count. Life is short, and we only get one chance. I want to make the most of it. I keep your memory with me and hope you are watching over me. 
I still sleep in your shirts and your picture comes with me to bed every night. I miss you and love you so much. 

Friday, April 4, 2014

It is so hard

nothing makes it better when I feel like this. I miss you and CAN'T STAND BEING AWAY FROM YOU.
I wish I could bring you back.

You're Dead - Alkaline Trio

What the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thick as our skulls yet it's thinner than air

I have something to say
If the chip off your shoulder should fall to your chest 
Get it off right away
Cause if you don't then it won't be in peace that you rest
It's just a matter of time
That we all go away to a better place I'm told
It all sounds well and fine
But without you around I feel nothing but cold

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

So what the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best 

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thin as our skulls yet it's thicker than air

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again
And all the time they took talking in circles
To get them off the hook would take miracle workers
We're nowhere near prepared there's
no way of knowing
Why don't they just admit they're scared
Cause its already showing

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again