Monday, April 21, 2014

Every day is a gift

I need to remember that I have been given a gift today. Waking up was a gift. The day is mine and I am here to live it. Sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I just want to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it and never leave my house. Those are the times when I miss you the most. You loved me like no one else ever has. I know this and I know I won't find that kind of love again.

Tomorrow is 8 fucking weeks since you passed. I really can't understand how you aren't ever going to call me again. I'll never feel your hands on me again. Kiss you. Hit you. Love on you. Every day I struggle with this. Today feels a little harder than most. I'm slow at work and just have a lot of time to think.
I don't like being in this world without you, but I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn't the one who died.

I love you and miss you and am so angry with you. :(

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter

Easter was so different growing up than it is as a single woman of 38. I'm not just talking about the bunnies or chocolate or any of the kid stuff, I'm talking about family and traditions. 
I grew up with generations of family near me. We lived in the same house as my grandma and my aunt and cousin were a few blocks away. Family was so important and played such a large part of my life growing up. Our house was a block away from a church. Holy Week starting with Palm Sunday was full of traditions. We'd go to church early on Palm Sunday and come home with hands of palm to craft into crosses and braids to give out to friends and family. We would sit around the kitchen table and drink coffee while all the women made beautiful works of art out of the palm. It was awesome! After we would go to the cemetery and visit Papa and decorate his grave for the spring. 
Then all week I would be going to church, Holy Thursday then Good Friday, while mom and grandma would be cooking and preparing goodies for Easter. The house smelled so good between Easter bread and pizzarustica that I couldn't wait until we could eat meat again. The whole family would come over Sunday and dinner would be glorious. 
Now, mom is dead, grandma too.. I haven't been to the cemetery in years and this was the first year I didn't go to church at all. It's sad. I miss the family I had as a child. I know I was so fortunate to have them for as long as I did. It's times like these that I wish I had a family of my own. I would continue to do the things my mom and grandma did, and hope that my children love it as much as I did. 
I could use some of your love today babe, maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and sad. I miss you mom. I miss you grandma. I miss you babe. 
I love you all so much. 
Happy Easter

Friday, April 18, 2014

It doesn't get easier

I just keep myself distracted.
I miss you
I sleep with your shirts STILL
I love you
I can't stand that I can't talk to you
I can't bear the thought of never being held by you again
I ache for you sexually
I will never forget you
I am forever changed from the time we spent together
I learned so much about myself from being with you
It's been nearly 2 months since you left me for good
2 months since we were together
I know that you are with me always
I am mad at you for putting us through this
I am sad that you are gone
I still talk to you in the morning when I wake up
I say goodnight to you before bed
My life is so different without you
I'm not sure if it's better or worse
I don't like that you aren't with me

I love you and miss you always babe - my gnarly dude


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Oh man

out of nowhere.. overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears just start flowing and I'm at work. Just great.

I fucking miss you. I can't ignore the pain in my chest all the time no matter how hard I try. I've been so good with trying to be positive and keep my head on straight but sometimes I just can't help it. You were such a part of me, good or bad, you were my love.

Fuck you for doing this to me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Today's the day

The reason I'm in Austin is here. Your celebration of life party. Honestly I don't know if I should go or not. Having some second thoughts about it. Some people I don't care to see will be there and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that. I love you and miss you, so I should be able to go and share stories and memories with the people who feel the same way I do. You were a special and significant part of my life and still are. I don't feel your love but I know I have it.
I need to remember that you choose me. You loved me so much, more than anyone else ever. I know that. I know you had a huge heart and you gave love to a lot of people. That's was who you were and I respected that about you. 
People don't understand why I'm here.. Therapist didn't think it was a good idea, rob is surprised I'm here, Clare, etc.. I'm here because I love you. I want closure to this chapter of my life. I am a different person since you left this earth. I learned that I need to live for me everyday. I need to make myself happy. I've been trying to do just that. Being here is one of those things for me. You loved me best why shouldn't I go and be proud of that? I am so proud of the love you gave me. 
I've made a decision to go to the party, but if I feel uncomfortable in any way I'll leave. I'm ok with that. I needed time to get away from the usual grind anyway so this was my excuse. I've made this decision rationally and I'm happy with it. 
No one understands what we went through and no one knows what you and I shared but us. I hold such a special place in my heart for you and that will never change. 
I hope you come today, and celebrate with us in spirit. 
I miss you babe and love you very much. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Austin

So I'm here. Made it to Austin last night. Flights were good but felt like it took forever to get here. 
I'm staying in the coolest little trailer in east Austin. You would so dig it but you wouldn't fit in the shower without bumping your head haha. 
Woke up this morning and relaxed a bit. I miss you with me. This is my first time here without you. Feels so weird but good. I kind of expected this feeling tho. 
It's like you are with me today. I walked down the street to a meat store that served some bad ass breakfast tacos. The hot sauce was amazing. You would have loved it.. 
Now I'm sitting in the Umlauf sculpture garden..totally here for you. I wanted a place that would be something we would have done together. You would love this place. It's so nice to be here. I'm enjoying my time alone because it's giving me time to reflect and appreciate a great town that holds so many memories of you for me. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Can't believe it has been 6 weeks

It is so surreal that you have been gone for 6 weeks now. I miss you everyday but am starting to adjust to not having you here. I miss your voice and your touch. I don't like that I am adjusting to you being gone.
6 weeks since I've felt the love only you could give me
6 weeks since I've kissed your face
6 weeks since I held your hand

6 weeks since my heart broke in two.

This weekend will be hard but good. I will go to those places that remind me of you and feel you with me.
No one can ever replace you in my life.  I will never be the same without you with me.

I love you and miss you every day babe.