Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm not good at this

Really I'm not.. Being single is not something I'm good at. 
I met someone, he's awesome, and he's not single. I don't know why he asked for my number, why he was so sweet to me and thoughtful only to keep me at arms length and see me so infrequently. He definitely played me well and I like him so much. I'm set up for disaster. 
Why can't my life be easy ever? I know I'm blessed. I have friends who are invaluable to me. The best family I could ask for, yet I can't find a suitable partner to share my life with. I miss being someone's priority. I want a man to wake up thinking about me. Someone who can't wait see me and spend time with me. I want him to be sexy and fun and strong.. At 38 I think it's time I found this in my life. I can pick up any man I want, it's keeping the right one that's the challenge. 
I have a great life and just want to share it with someone.. Don't think it's too much to ask.. Ugh

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you

It is so crazy the way you will just pop into my mind at random moments throughout my day. I miss you so much and try not to think about it because it just hurts.
Things I'm going through now I'd never have had to deal with if you were still here. I wonder who will love me for the rest of my life. I didn't have to wonder about that when you were alive, I knew it would always be you.
I'm not afraid to be alone anymore but it doesn't mean that I like being alone. I miss your friendship, your love, and all the shit that came with it.

You are in my heart always babe.. I hope you know it. :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time passes

So much reminding me of you lately. The NFL draft, playoff hockey, playoff basketball.. You were the one I talked sports to. I miss that so much. 
You fucking knew sports like no one I've ever known. It was so impressive the passion you had especially for football.. I am smarter as a result of your knowledge.
11 weeks ago today you left me. It still feels surreal. I can't believe I'll never watch another football game with you. It go see the Yankees together. Nothing. You were my go to for all of those things and I have no one to do them with anymore.. 
I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss you. 


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Must remember to write

Seriously it helps me immensely when I remember to write.
It really helps me when I do.

I've been feeling a little off lately. I'm sure it's cause I haven't been to the gym or to the therapist and I'm sick. I need to remember that not every day can be a good one. I'm allowed to have self doubt as long as I don't let it consume me. I'm allowed to feel lonely, as long as I remember to reach out to the people who love me.

I miss your love. It was so comfortable for me. You weren't easy, but your love fit me just fine. I miss the positive reinforcement you gave me. The constant affirmation, the compliments and the physical affection.

It's been 10 weeks (!!!) since I've held your hand. God I miss the way you held me and loved me. You are still and always will be the best lover I've ever had. I miss making love to you.

I know you are with me, and I know you still love me. I just wish right now I could have you hold me and whisper it in my ear. You had such a sexy voice.

I miss you babe, and I love you always.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Wow

You were all in my dreams last night. I mean ALL IN MY DREAMS. They were strange dreams too. You were alive, and I was trying to get you to / from the airport? Not sure on the details but it was you. Woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep and there you were again. You were with me until I woke up (even after a round of snooze too).

I miss you - thanks for keeping me company last night.
Love you.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Haven't posted in a while

One week to be exact.
I've had a crazy week.. went to Ft. Lauderdale and hung out with my boys. I know how much you hated that. You were jealous of my gay friends which was so odd to me. They are more like sisters but you didn't like it anyway.
I didn't bring your shirt with me, and I haven't looked at your pictures. I feel bad about it but it helps me to move on.
I'm trying to be positive in my day to day life. I wake up with a "one life one chance" attitude, because you helped me remember that life is short. I could go at any time and I don't want to die wishing I had done something different. I'm getting the tattoos that I wanted for the longest time, I'm unapologetic about who I am FINALLY.

I like me better now. I'm changing and growing up. I have you to thank for this.
I miss you being around. I wish you could see the woman I'm evolving into. Would have been so nice to evolve together.

I love you and miss you babe. Always.

Monday, April 28, 2014

It comes out of nowhere

I think about you but I am dealing. Life MUST go on even though it's not the same, I need to live my life.  But then it will strike me out of left field and I'll miss you horribly. Like now.
I miss you babe. Not a day passes that I don't talk to your pictures.
You are with me always. I love you.