Friday, October 10, 2014

I really can't believe it's been so long

I don't think about you on purpose.
It hurts too much.

The more I try and move on and see what's out there, the more I miss my friend, my lover, you.

I sleep in your t-shirts still. It just makes me feel better when I do.
Your picture still watches me when I sleep.

I will never find someone who affected me like you. My life is forever different having known you, and lost you.


This is still so hard.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

And today I am missing you

Having one of those days today. Overwhelmed, feeling like I am drowning in work, and just want to have you hold me.
Is it you I miss or just someone? Honestly, I don't know. I know I need a hug though. I remember that time you came to the house in December after I hadn't seen you for a few weeks, and I hugged you. That feeling was overwhelming. I fought to hold back the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry.

I always felt so safe in your arms babe. I knew that you would do anything to keep me from harm.. I miss THAT feeling.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm not good at this

Really I'm not.. Being single is not something I'm good at. 
I met someone, he's awesome, and he's not single. I don't know why he asked for my number, why he was so sweet to me and thoughtful only to keep me at arms length and see me so infrequently. He definitely played me well and I like him so much. I'm set up for disaster. 
Why can't my life be easy ever? I know I'm blessed. I have friends who are invaluable to me. The best family I could ask for, yet I can't find a suitable partner to share my life with. I miss being someone's priority. I want a man to wake up thinking about me. Someone who can't wait see me and spend time with me. I want him to be sexy and fun and strong.. At 38 I think it's time I found this in my life. I can pick up any man I want, it's keeping the right one that's the challenge. 
I have a great life and just want to share it with someone.. Don't think it's too much to ask.. Ugh

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you

It is so crazy the way you will just pop into my mind at random moments throughout my day. I miss you so much and try not to think about it because it just hurts.
Things I'm going through now I'd never have had to deal with if you were still here. I wonder who will love me for the rest of my life. I didn't have to wonder about that when you were alive, I knew it would always be you.
I'm not afraid to be alone anymore but it doesn't mean that I like being alone. I miss your friendship, your love, and all the shit that came with it.

You are in my heart always babe.. I hope you know it. :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time passes

So much reminding me of you lately. The NFL draft, playoff hockey, playoff basketball.. You were the one I talked sports to. I miss that so much. 
You fucking knew sports like no one I've ever known. It was so impressive the passion you had especially for football.. I am smarter as a result of your knowledge.
11 weeks ago today you left me. It still feels surreal. I can't believe I'll never watch another football game with you. It go see the Yankees together. Nothing. You were my go to for all of those things and I have no one to do them with anymore.. 
I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss you. 


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Must remember to write

Seriously it helps me immensely when I remember to write.
It really helps me when I do.

I've been feeling a little off lately. I'm sure it's cause I haven't been to the gym or to the therapist and I'm sick. I need to remember that not every day can be a good one. I'm allowed to have self doubt as long as I don't let it consume me. I'm allowed to feel lonely, as long as I remember to reach out to the people who love me.

I miss your love. It was so comfortable for me. You weren't easy, but your love fit me just fine. I miss the positive reinforcement you gave me. The constant affirmation, the compliments and the physical affection.

It's been 10 weeks (!!!) since I've held your hand. God I miss the way you held me and loved me. You are still and always will be the best lover I've ever had. I miss making love to you.

I know you are with me, and I know you still love me. I just wish right now I could have you hold me and whisper it in my ear. You had such a sexy voice.

I miss you babe, and I love you always.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Wow

You were all in my dreams last night. I mean ALL IN MY DREAMS. They were strange dreams too. You were alive, and I was trying to get you to / from the airport? Not sure on the details but it was you. Woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep and there you were again. You were with me until I woke up (even after a round of snooze too).

I miss you - thanks for keeping me company last night.
Love you.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Haven't posted in a while

One week to be exact.
I've had a crazy week.. went to Ft. Lauderdale and hung out with my boys. I know how much you hated that. You were jealous of my gay friends which was so odd to me. They are more like sisters but you didn't like it anyway.
I didn't bring your shirt with me, and I haven't looked at your pictures. I feel bad about it but it helps me to move on.
I'm trying to be positive in my day to day life. I wake up with a "one life one chance" attitude, because you helped me remember that life is short. I could go at any time and I don't want to die wishing I had done something different. I'm getting the tattoos that I wanted for the longest time, I'm unapologetic about who I am FINALLY.

I like me better now. I'm changing and growing up. I have you to thank for this.
I miss you being around. I wish you could see the woman I'm evolving into. Would have been so nice to evolve together.

I love you and miss you babe. Always.

Monday, April 28, 2014

It comes out of nowhere

I think about you but I am dealing. Life MUST go on even though it's not the same, I need to live my life.  But then it will strike me out of left field and I'll miss you horribly. Like now.
I miss you babe. Not a day passes that I don't talk to your pictures.
You are with me always. I love you.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Thinking of you

Nothing new that I'm thinking about you today. I think about you everyday. This morning I realized my calves are starting to split again. I know how much you loved that. 
I miss your compliments. I miss the confidence I had knowing you loved me like you did. 
Gone too soon babe. Love and miss you. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Every day is a gift

I need to remember that I have been given a gift today. Waking up was a gift. The day is mine and I am here to live it. Sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I just want to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it and never leave my house. Those are the times when I miss you the most. You loved me like no one else ever has. I know this and I know I won't find that kind of love again.

Tomorrow is 8 fucking weeks since you passed. I really can't understand how you aren't ever going to call me again. I'll never feel your hands on me again. Kiss you. Hit you. Love on you. Every day I struggle with this. Today feels a little harder than most. I'm slow at work and just have a lot of time to think.
I don't like being in this world without you, but I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn't the one who died.

I love you and miss you and am so angry with you. :(

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter

Easter was so different growing up than it is as a single woman of 38. I'm not just talking about the bunnies or chocolate or any of the kid stuff, I'm talking about family and traditions. 
I grew up with generations of family near me. We lived in the same house as my grandma and my aunt and cousin were a few blocks away. Family was so important and played such a large part of my life growing up. Our house was a block away from a church. Holy Week starting with Palm Sunday was full of traditions. We'd go to church early on Palm Sunday and come home with hands of palm to craft into crosses and braids to give out to friends and family. We would sit around the kitchen table and drink coffee while all the women made beautiful works of art out of the palm. It was awesome! After we would go to the cemetery and visit Papa and decorate his grave for the spring. 
Then all week I would be going to church, Holy Thursday then Good Friday, while mom and grandma would be cooking and preparing goodies for Easter. The house smelled so good between Easter bread and pizzarustica that I couldn't wait until we could eat meat again. The whole family would come over Sunday and dinner would be glorious. 
Now, mom is dead, grandma too.. I haven't been to the cemetery in years and this was the first year I didn't go to church at all. It's sad. I miss the family I had as a child. I know I was so fortunate to have them for as long as I did. It's times like these that I wish I had a family of my own. I would continue to do the things my mom and grandma did, and hope that my children love it as much as I did. 
I could use some of your love today babe, maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and sad. I miss you mom. I miss you grandma. I miss you babe. 
I love you all so much. 
Happy Easter

Friday, April 18, 2014

It doesn't get easier

I just keep myself distracted.
I miss you
I sleep with your shirts STILL
I love you
I can't stand that I can't talk to you
I can't bear the thought of never being held by you again
I ache for you sexually
I will never forget you
I am forever changed from the time we spent together
I learned so much about myself from being with you
It's been nearly 2 months since you left me for good
2 months since we were together
I know that you are with me always
I am mad at you for putting us through this
I am sad that you are gone
I still talk to you in the morning when I wake up
I say goodnight to you before bed
My life is so different without you
I'm not sure if it's better or worse
I don't like that you aren't with me

I love you and miss you always babe - my gnarly dude


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Oh man

out of nowhere.. overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears just start flowing and I'm at work. Just great.

I fucking miss you. I can't ignore the pain in my chest all the time no matter how hard I try. I've been so good with trying to be positive and keep my head on straight but sometimes I just can't help it. You were such a part of me, good or bad, you were my love.

Fuck you for doing this to me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Today's the day

The reason I'm in Austin is here. Your celebration of life party. Honestly I don't know if I should go or not. Having some second thoughts about it. Some people I don't care to see will be there and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that. I love you and miss you, so I should be able to go and share stories and memories with the people who feel the same way I do. You were a special and significant part of my life and still are. I don't feel your love but I know I have it.
I need to remember that you choose me. You loved me so much, more than anyone else ever. I know that. I know you had a huge heart and you gave love to a lot of people. That's was who you were and I respected that about you. 
People don't understand why I'm here.. Therapist didn't think it was a good idea, rob is surprised I'm here, Clare, etc.. I'm here because I love you. I want closure to this chapter of my life. I am a different person since you left this earth. I learned that I need to live for me everyday. I need to make myself happy. I've been trying to do just that. Being here is one of those things for me. You loved me best why shouldn't I go and be proud of that? I am so proud of the love you gave me. 
I've made a decision to go to the party, but if I feel uncomfortable in any way I'll leave. I'm ok with that. I needed time to get away from the usual grind anyway so this was my excuse. I've made this decision rationally and I'm happy with it. 
No one understands what we went through and no one knows what you and I shared but us. I hold such a special place in my heart for you and that will never change. 
I hope you come today, and celebrate with us in spirit. 
I miss you babe and love you very much. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Austin

So I'm here. Made it to Austin last night. Flights were good but felt like it took forever to get here. 
I'm staying in the coolest little trailer in east Austin. You would so dig it but you wouldn't fit in the shower without bumping your head haha. 
Woke up this morning and relaxed a bit. I miss you with me. This is my first time here without you. Feels so weird but good. I kind of expected this feeling tho. 
It's like you are with me today. I walked down the street to a meat store that served some bad ass breakfast tacos. The hot sauce was amazing. You would have loved it.. 
Now I'm sitting in the Umlauf sculpture garden..totally here for you. I wanted a place that would be something we would have done together. You would love this place. It's so nice to be here. I'm enjoying my time alone because it's giving me time to reflect and appreciate a great town that holds so many memories of you for me. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Can't believe it has been 6 weeks

It is so surreal that you have been gone for 6 weeks now. I miss you everyday but am starting to adjust to not having you here. I miss your voice and your touch. I don't like that I am adjusting to you being gone.
6 weeks since I've felt the love only you could give me
6 weeks since I've kissed your face
6 weeks since I held your hand

6 weeks since my heart broke in two.

This weekend will be hard but good. I will go to those places that remind me of you and feel you with me.
No one can ever replace you in my life.  I will never be the same without you with me.

I love you and miss you every day babe.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Busy weekend

This weekend was definitely a busy one. You were with me everywhere as usual. 
Saturday I got a new tattoo. I was a bundle of nerves waiting alone for the artist to draw up my tattoo. Kept thinking about the last time I got ink. December 7. You met me at the shop that day and stayed with me the entire time. You were awesome that day. You didn't seem drunk or hungover either. You were awesome that day. I still see your face outside rivington tattoos. I was smoking and you kept trying to kiss me, as usual. You got me coffee and a red velvet cupcake while I was getting inked. So sweet. After we went to the meatball shop and had a great dinner. That was a great day for me. I have good memories of that time together. Every time I look at my queen I am reminded of that day. 

This past Saturday started out very nervous and anxious. I was afraid doing it alone. While I was waiting for the tattoo to be drawn up Iron maiden came on the radio. It made me think of you, and I knew you were with me then. I'm very lucky that the crew at wooster social were so nice. From the minute I walked in until after I left I felt like I was with friends. The tattoo came out AMAZING! You would have been proud at how good I sat for it. Rob brought the kids by to see me and that was just awesome. Feels good being around them. You'd have loved to see that Pyke was wearing your high on fire hoodie. It made me happy to see it but so sad because I'm sure he's missing you. Luke is a great artist and I had fun talking with him. Made me at ease while I was getting drilled. Saturday evening ended with Yemil and Karen at salvation taco then cutting room. All in all a great day. 
Yesterday was errands day but I didn't manage to get too much done. I got my nails done.. They are finally getting long again and you'd love how they look. Wish I could send you a pic. I miss you. 
I went out with a few girls from the gym in the evening and danced to some house music. I parked across the street from Amanda's bushes. They put a Harley Davidson dealership on that corner. I think that's so fitting. On the way home I was hungry and stopped at the bagel place. It felt so lonely being there without you. That was your favorite part of driving into the city. I'm struggling remembering what bagel you'd get but I know it always had salmon spread on it. 
Tomorrow you'll be gone 6 weeks. Can't believe it. Still think I'll get a txt or call from you. I know I won't but I think about it. Thursday I'm off to Austin. Saturday will be your party. It's going to be so surreal being in tx without you. Austin was always explored with you. I'm gonna miss you with me. I think about you all the time babe. I'm crying less tho. I guess that's a good thing. I feel like I'm disrespecting you by not crying but I know that's just my own crazy thought. I keep telling myself that you died and I didn't. I'm living and have to make each day count. Life is short, and we only get one chance. I want to make the most of it. I keep your memory with me and hope you are watching over me. 
I still sleep in your shirts and your picture comes with me to bed every night. I miss you and love you so much. 

Friday, April 4, 2014

It is so hard

nothing makes it better when I feel like this. I miss you and CAN'T STAND BEING AWAY FROM YOU.
I wish I could bring you back.

You're Dead - Alkaline Trio

What the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thick as our skulls yet it's thinner than air

I have something to say
If the chip off your shoulder should fall to your chest 
Get it off right away
Cause if you don't then it won't be in peace that you rest
It's just a matter of time
That we all go away to a better place I'm told
It all sounds well and fine
But without you around I feel nothing but cold

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

So what the hell is your name
And can you explain this mess
It seems you're playing a game
Where you only know how to take out the best 

Cause if assholes could fly
This place would be busier than O'Hare
There's proof in the sky
It's as thin as our skulls yet it's thicker than air

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again
And all the time they took talking in circles
To get them off the hook would take miracle workers
We're nowhere near prepared there's
no way of knowing
Why don't they just admit they're scared
Cause its already showing

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend 

And I now have nothing
But your heartbeat in my head
And a photograph of my traveling friend
And I became nothing when I found out you were dead
When I found out I'd never see you again

So much to tell you

It's incredible how much I miss telling you things that happen in my day. I miss that so much. Sharing what happened with you always made it more real. Granted, sometimes you would drive me nuts and tease me when I didn't want to be teased but according to you that was how you showed me you love me. I miss your love so much. 
I'm planning my next tattoo.. Crazy that you aren't here to do this with me. You'd like what I'm going to get. Hurts to know I'm not going to have you there to hold my hand. December 7 was the day I goty queen. You were at the shop before me, took care of me while I was getting inked- coffee and cupcake :). After we had a nice dinner at the meatball shop. I can still see you sitting across the table from me and think of how nice that day was. The Thursday before was when whitey and I crashed. That weekend you spent with me. You were always supportive of me, always. You listened to all my crazy thoughts and never thought I was crazy. You understood me and loved me despite of all my shit. You were a good man who could have been great. 
I have so many great memories of time we spent together. I'm sad that we won't be making any new ones. You broke your promise to me babe. You promised I wouldn't be an old maid.. You were supposed to be my man forever. I miss you so much. My heart hurts and again I find it so hard to breathe. The loss of you is something I just can't accept. I cry over you all the time. I'm so sad and ache to have you around. I know I'll never feel that safe and loved again. Life without you feels wrong. I am missing a big part of myself. 
I hope you are watching me. I know my mommy is watching me too. So much love that has left me. I feel alone.. Lost.. Sad. You were my greatest love babe. I'm proud of everything we experienced together - good and bad. 
Another day without you. :( I love and miss you so much. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Had a great time last night

So after months of waiting I got to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig last night. It was fucking incredible! Of course as soon as I say goodbye to my girls I wanted to call you and tell you about it. 
I still want to share everything with you. I'm missing your friendship. I know I took it for granted a bit. I really just expected you'd be there forever. I wish I'd have known you would be leaving this world so soon. Yes I think I'd have been different if I'd known. I don't think I could have changed the outcome but at least I wouldn't have wasted the last month I could have had with you. I was with you when I heard you were sick. Why didn't you reach out for help? 3 weeks sick or more and you did nothing. I don't understand that. You made it worse and not better. Why? You knew you were sick, why make it worse? Did you think about anyone else but yourself? Your kids? The people who loved you? Did you realize we all loved you so much? I honestly don't think so. I hope you realize it now. I do still love you and think about you all the time. A part of me died with you on February 25. I will never be the same. 
I love you and miss you so much. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Just heard your laugh

Watched an old video you took of me training at the gym. G hit me in the face and I heard your laugh.
It made me so happy for a minute until I started crying.
I miss you everyday.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Nice day today

It's spring out today. First day of the year that it feels actually nice out.
I see couples walking around all in love and happy - and all I think of is how my love is gone.
I'm not happy. Not since you left. I can count how many times I've actually laughed since you've been gone. I am missing part of me. That part of me that you held.
It is so hard to do this without you. I miss you.

April 1st

5 weeks ago today you left this world. I still struggle with this reality. I still check my phone when I wake up still hoping I'll get a txt from you. Every morning I'm disapointed when I realize it won't ever happen again. 
I miss you. This is the second month you aren't here for. Spring is here and you left in winter. So surreal.. Missed you more than usual last night. I spent the evening alone and wished I had you to talk with and spend time with. I miss our time together. I miss everything!
I did some shopping yesterday cause I missed class and after I got what I needed I felt like getting a drink. Our bar was close by but I couldn't bring myself to go there. I don't know if they know you are gone and I couldn't deal with that last night. I want to go there because it reminds me of you. And I love to be reminded of you.. But I guess last night wasn't the right time. 
You truly are everywhere for me. You were so engrained in my routine that I feel this loss more. My life is not the same without you, there is a lot less love in my world since you've been gone. 
I miss your love. I love you. 

Monday, March 31, 2014

Mondays were your day off

You would always try and talk me into working from home so we could spend time together. I indulged you a few times but today would have been a no brainer. The weather matches my mood today- grey and rainy. I'd love nothing more than to be off with you on the couch today.
We would order Chinese food, smoke, snuggle and have sex all day. Those were some of my favorite times with you. 
Missing you sucks.

I miss you

I've been looking back at a year ago and what we were doing. Your first oyster bar trip was about a year ago. You were so cute that night. I introduced you to pan roasts and you were like a kid. So happy and excited.. We took a pic to send to your dad :) 
We were also planning our vacation last year this time. We were deciding to go to Jamaica and picking out out resort. 
On March 30 last year you bought me flowers. You were good about being thoughtful. You knew I liked flowers and you got them for me on occasion. I can't remember what the reason was for the flowers but I have a pic of them. 
Incredible how much can change in a year. I remember feeling frustrated with our situation. How I had been asking you to change and try and make our life better. I was working so much and full of stress.. All I wanted was for you to help me. The pressure was too much for me. 

I miss you. I actually miss everything about you. The mushy talk all the time, the staring and the frustrating fights. Taking the bus without you sucks. I miss having you next to me all the time. You were my man, and you left me. Now I'm alone and have no one to hold out his arm so I can step down from the bus. 
You'll never meet me at the gym again. No more ordering mooncake for dinner. No more awesome fish tacos. No more you getting me juices to have after my work out. For all the things you didn't do well those weren't the small thoughtful things. You were so thoughtful. Always willing to so something for me except when it meant you needed to change. 
I think I'm at the stage of grief where I'm accepting you aren't coming back. 5 weeks tomorrow.. Almost 6 weeks since you've sent me a message. No matter I still wake up looking for a message from you. I still sleep in your tshirts, and the picture of you comes with me into the bedroom at night. I talk to you, but I don't know if you hear me. I miss you. I miss your company and the way you felt. I'm so afraid I'll forget how that was. I do to want to forget. I want you to be here to remind me.. Damn you! Damn you for taking those things away from me. You made promises to me, did you intend to keep those? Did you know that you wouldn't be able to keep them? I feel you might have known. 
In another desperate attempt to find something from you, I went through the clothes that you wore to the hospital. You didn't have underwear with you and I had wondered why. Then I saw the jeans. You must have known how sick you were. Just from what I saw, the jeans were so soiled. I wonder if that was why you ended up going to the hospital. I wish you'd have gone sooner. You might still be here with me. I'd take care of you. You always said I'd be the one who got the best of you. I think I did. I wish you saw what I did in you. So much beauty in you that you ignored. You let those dark thoughts drag you down. Robin offered to help. Were you just too proud? Do you know that this isn't how I wanted our relationship to end? I wanted losing me to scare you straight. It just pushed you further down the wrong path. I'm sad. I feel your loss all around me. I've never felt so alone before. I've been just looking for distractions lately, they help temporarily but when I'm alone I'm back with reality. 
It was supposed to be you. I'm devastated and miss you so much. 
I love you always Lance. Always 



Sunday, March 30, 2014

This weekend

So this was the first weekend I actually tried not to think about you. It worked for the most part.. I'm realizing that I just need to keep distracted. But that then makes me feel bad because I want to honor your memory. Ugh. 
I miss you but my life has to go on.. As much as I don't want it to go on without you, you left me no choice :(
I miss you babe. So much. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

Today sucks

Having a hard time today. Miss you

Friday morning

So once again I'm up early and have a restless nights sleep. I should just accept that I'm not going to sleep well anymore. Guess my subconscious remembers when you would get home from work and I wake up. I miss the routine we had.
Had dinner with Steve last night and reminisced about us with him. He's a great friend and it felt good to talk to him. Wish I could talk to you. You were the best friend I had. I know you felt that way too. 
I can't talk about you without crying. I cry everyday since you got sick. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I didn't have that time with you the Sunday before you passed. That helped me so much. You and I had some time together.. You knew it was me and we "talked". I kissed you so much that day. You always had such amazing skin. I love to kiss you. I held your hand the whole time. You noticed my hair and touched the back of my head. You noticed my new bracelets and liked my subway token one. I got more now babe, 3 of them for you. 
Rob called me and said she found the sketches you made of us kissing. Those must have been the practice for my painting. I wish you had finished this piece, but I guess it's fitting that you didn't since we didn't get to finish our relationship. A lot of love was left on the table you were right about that. I recon I'll feel that way until we meet again. I hope we do get to meet again. If there is a place we go to when we die I hope I'm with you and my mom. I hate thinking how I'm never going to see you or be with you until then. I would never do anything stupid but I can't say I haven't thought about it. I'm desperate to feel you but I know that I have to wait. You know I'm not patient. The waiting is hard.. I am a brat and you know it. If I thought it would help I would be throwing tantrums all the time. I wish missing you as much as I do could bring you back. I know I'm not the only one who misses you.. But I miss you the most :) they didn't know you like I did. I saw such great things in you. Your love was so good babe. The best ever. I felt it all the time. With you or without you near me I had a confidence that died with you. I'm fundamentally different now that you are gone. You had said that I had it all figured out.. I didn't and I definitely don't now. I'm lost. Can't breathe. Feel disconnected from the world and I don't know what to do. My usual antics aren't going to cut it this time. I can go out and fuck half of New York but it won't do any good. I will just miss you more. I know I shouldn't but I compare everyone to you. You were so damn good when you were good. I will remember that always. 
For almost 3 years now you've been the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. I ache for you. 
Please watch over me babe.. Really could use your support and love right now. Not sure I deserve it but I hope you think I do. 
I love you and miss you more each day. 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I wonder

So many questions.. I wish you were here to answer them. I know the important answers but life is about the little things not the big ones. 
I know you loved me more than any other woman in your life. You told me and you told my friends. I don't think that was bullshit
I know you liked me too.. We definitely were best friends 
I know I "did it for you"
I know I was the best lover you ever had
I know you felt I made you a better man
I know you liked the way I took care of you
I know you missed me when we didn't see each other
I know you thought about me all the time
I know you liked how tiny I am compared to you.. (This always made me smile)
I know you liked how I smoked
I know I fulfilled some of your fantasies
I know you wanted to take care of me for ever

These things I know.. It's what I don't know that eats me up

Did you know you were killing yourself?
Did you think you were invincible?
Did you want to change?
Were you capable of change?
Did you want to die?
Did you realize we would all be devastated without you? 
Can you see me now?
Are you with me in spirit? 

I can't even think of all the questions I have. It hurts and I'm crying again. 

This is so hard. I miss you with my entire being. You were my love. You are my love. I'm broken without you. 


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My world was better with you in it

Honestly I feel like my entire world and existence was better when you were here in it.

I miss you so much. I hurt every day. This is so hard.

This is different

I've known loss in my life before. I've burried the most important people in my life. My grandma who raised me, my mom.. The difference with those losses is that I had someone on my side to help me through. When grandma went I had my mom. Mom was amazing. I wish I could hear her now, to have her support because she was always so smart and strong and loving. When mom passed I thought I'd loose it, but I had tex. He was so supportive and helped me through the loss. Now, as I go through the loss of you, I'm doing this alone. Yes I have friends and they have been very supportive, but none of them love me the way I've had love before when I went through a loss. 
You used to tell me you'd always be there for me, that you wouldn't let me be an old maid. You loved me and despite your flaws, you were there for me. I knew I could always count on you. I miss that. You would drop everything for me and have before. Love the way I needed to be loved. Then you gave up. I couldn't let you lie to me about drinking anymore. As loving as you could be you were mean too. We both were mean. It turned unhealthy and angry. All because of the booze. It changed you. I'd wonder which version of you I'd get. When you were sober you were so patient. God, you were great!! You made me feel so happy.. So taken care of, so safe and loved. When you were drunk you were so different. Angry, self loathing, depressed and just the opposite of the man I loved.
I feel this loss unlike any other. I had hoped you would realize how bad drinking was for you. That you would want me more than the bottle. You didn't. I guess it must have been too much for you to do. Instead you just gave up. You gave in to your demons and left me. I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life. I don't know how to get over this. No one else can fill this void I feel.. Fuck I don't want anyone else. I want you. I want SOBER you back! I need to accept that you aren't coming back. I don't want to but you left me. I miss you and love you so much. I'm hurting without you. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Why?

Why do I miss you so much? Why am I hurting so bad? One month and I feel more empty than I had before. This is unreal babe. I can't stand this pain. 
I hurt and just want to go and cry :(

I'm terrified

I'm so afraid of doing this alone. How am I supposed to live without you?

One month

Had a shitty nights sleep again. Woke up at 4:30 then again at 5:30.. Just can't sleep the night through lately. Too much on my mind I guess. 
I find it so hard to believe that it's been a month since I held your hand. I hate that I will never touch you again. I ache for you.
I want to be wrapped in your huge arms and feel your body against mine. You were so tender and loving, always mushy. I know you were only like that with me. We had a very special connection that kept bringing me back to you. I wish it could bring you back to me now. 
One month of not hearing your voice. One month of not getting a message from you. One month of dread and sadness. I look at your pictures all the time. I'm overwhelmed  by how much I miss you. This is so hard. You made promises that I'd never be alone, you would always take care of me. I wish that was how it is. Now all I have left are the reminders of you. My life has been changed by knowing you babe. My routine is one we established, I eat the diet you helped me put together. Go to your gym, spend time with your friends and children. You are still such a part of my life that I feel the loss every minute of the day. One month. How the fuck am I supposed to do this without you? What am I going to do? I know that life goes on, and it isn't the end of the world, but I feel like my world is so empty without you. One month. I swear no one has ever made me feel this way before. I loved your love so much. I wish things were different. 6:20 you breathed your last breath.. Every time I see the clock at that time I hurt all over again. 
I have so many memories of you, good and bad, but I cherish them all the same. You and I were a team- an awesome one at that. Everything we did we did with passion. Made love, went out, laughed, fought, it was all intense. We were intense. I miss you beyond words. 
You are a part of who I am. I will never be the same. My life is now defined by the two most traumatic events in my life- the death of my mother (5/1/07) and the day my heart died (2/25/14). 
I love you and miss you so very much. Please watch over me and show me signs that you haven't abandoned me.. I need your support more than ever. 
RIP babe- one month. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Missing my friend

So many times I think of where you'd be or what you would be doing.. Like today would be your day off. This morning I went and made birthday pancakes for your son. He asked for me to make breakfast for his sleepover friends.. I of course said yes. Hell I cooked off 4 pounds of bacon in preparation until after midnight last night. Tonight I'm treating them to hibachi :) I wish you were coming with us. 
I don't know what is going on in football land.. Haven't watched sports center since you were here. Don't feel like I can yet since that was the channel you always had on. 
I'm going to Austin soon, staying in a cool airstream near 6th street. Should be good. Gonna be strange being in Austin without you. You had always been with me when I went there. We made such good memories on our trips to Texas. Going swimming in the middle of nowhere, or traveling to luling, franklins, long branch..wataburger, chilangos, big red!!! 
You were so special and had such potential. I'm disappointed that it's been wasted. I miss your kisses.. But mostly I miss your arms around me. Grabbing your sleeve cause my arms were too short to reach your hand. I wish I'd have known about your problem. 
I just thought about meeting you at the bar when we started dating. We had such passion together. I miss the intensity of us. 
I hope megan is right and you are with me.. I want you with me to see how much I hurt without you. I wish I could hear you and feel you. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Only you

I haven't been the same sexually since you passed. You know me and how sexual I am, I love porn and sex as much as you did. But I haven't wanted it at all.. The only porn I look at are the 3 videos that I have of us. Now I'm wishing we took more. You were and are my best lover. You knew my body, instinctively. There wasn't anything you did to me that I didn't enjoy. It won't be the same without you. I think of you when I masturbate now.. I want to feel you. 
God I miss you so much!

That feeling

Did you know how I wanted to break down and cry when I saw you for the first time in a month? When you came to my house and I hugged you.. Did you feel  me whimper when you hugged me? I hated being without you. Damn you I fucking hate being without you!!! There was nothing more in this world I wanted. You. I wanted you. But the man I know you were capable of being. Not this fucking coward you turned out to be... 
My back hurts and guess what I think of? I think of you rubbing my hammys while I lay across your lap! Fuck you! Fuck you for making me miss you like I do. My world is falling apart. I'm in such pain

Thursday, March 20, 2014

It's spring

Can't believe you aren't here for this time of year. It's when everything is fresh and new and people are happy. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for almost a month now. How can I be happy when I have a hole the size of a mack truck in my chest?

There is this emptiness that fills me that I just can't shake. I can smile and be cordial to people but all I want to do is go lie on my couch and cry. I miss you. This isn't getting easier and I'm struggling big time.

I haven't been looking at your pictures, not listening to voicemails and still it's all consuming. Everything reminds me of you in some way. I honestly feel as if a piece of me died with you. The beautiful sexy piece is gone.

You brought me so much love, and so many emotions. I know I was angry with you, and we both know it was because I was hurt. I am still hurt. You should have wanted me enough, I should have been enough. I know your kids should have been your motivation but you are just like my dad in that you weren't ready to be a father. I had such hopes that you could change. I tried so hard to change you. You thought it was me being controlling... You were so stubborn and couldn't admit to yourself that you had a problem. I don't know what you were thinking in the end. The things we found at your place truly baffle me. Rob says that you were good at assimilating, you fit in with the people you were around. I can see how that is true but I also think it was something you choose to do. No one forced you to do it. You did it and it hurt you. And you kept doing it. And now you are gone.

I miss your face, your silly beard, the way your head felt when it was fresh shaven. The way you kissed my lips and other places... the way your hands felt on my body. How I always felt so safe and tiny in your arms. I miss watching you watch me. I miss making insane crazy love to you every weekend. I miss the txt messages asking for pictures. I miss so much. I am missing you.

and now I feel like I can't breathe again. God I miss you.


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Feeling like a broken record

I swear I feel like all I do is say the same shit over and over again. I'm sad, I'm hurting, I miss you. Blah blah. 
I wish I didn't feel this way but I do. Had to call my therapist today because I was such a mess. She told me it's ok to feel this way, says I'm just sad. Honestly I think that's an understatement. I am not the same without you. Truly I'm different. I can't just hook up like I was because other men repulse me now. They aren't you. No one will ever be you. 
My back hurts so bad. Went to see saki tonight. Again someone who I wouldn't have known if it weren't for you. She is sad for me. Fuck, I'm sad for me. I hope you are at peace now babe. I can't imagine doing this without you. I do t have a choice. You are gone and I need to live with it, doesn't mean I have to like it. 
Mo posted something beautiful today to you. Another woman (friend but still female) whose heart is broken by your passing. You are so loved! If love could bring you back you'd be with me now. With all of us now.
Funny, you would tell me you looked forward to seeing me get older. You and mommy would tell me that I get prettier the older I get. Not feeling so pretty these days. Feeling quite sick and ugly, empty and alone.
I miss you and hurt so much. 

Not sure why

But right now I'm crying pretty hard. At work with a ton to do and I am crying. I miss you so much.

Damnit! I'm so sad :(

Woke up before the alarm

Wide awake at 5:40 this morning, first thought was of you. That's not a surprise, I go to sleep thinking of you, so why wouldn't I wake up thinking of you? 
This still isn't real. I want to wake up from this living nightmare and when I do you'll be by my side. 
Every day is a struggle right now. I have good days and bad ones. Feeling like the bad ones are winning lately. I'm anxious and nervous. I had hoped that exercising would help with those things. It has to a point but not the way I need it to. 
I want to get a tattoo in your memory. Need something physical on me that is of you. We always talked about what we would get for each other. You wanted to get a hornet or a bobcat for me. Your rationale was that I was meaner than a hornet, and as vicious as a bobcat. Haha. You did pick strong willed women to be with :) in the end you didn't get anything, but you died with my mark on you. That time I scratched your right arm, it scarred you through a couple of your tats. You sent me the txt saying "guess I got my tattoo" with a pic of the scar. I don't regret doing it especially now. 
I never decided what I'd get in your honor. Now I'm really struggling for something to get. I found the smoking skull with the pink bow you drew for me. I might get it, but I'm not sure. Whatever I end up getting it will have something of YOU in it. Maybe your initials, or your birthdate and the date you passed. Hate that you are gone. 
I look at your pictures every day, at the art you made for me. You were so special. Sometimes I'm so overcome with emotion I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm suffocating and can't get air. It's crippling. 
I wish you finished this piece.. It's my favorite. I'll cherish it forever. 


Sikigirl and Iron Iron Male together forever. <3

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Another day without you

I don't like this at all. I keep thinking how it wasn't supposed to end like this. You were supposed to clean up because you wanted to be a better man for me. I can't understand how you could say all the things you said and not mean it. Did you just hate yourself that much that you just threw it all away? I can't think about you without the shock of knowing I'll never see you again. I'm hurting so much without you in my life 
Found out you kept us a secret for a while.. I know the people who knew you knew about me. You talked about me as much as I did (and still do) about you. What Dan said to me still blows my mind. You loved me and I know that. I think you were glad I was with you in the hospital. Why didn't you ask for help sooner? I keep thinking that I could have helped you if I knew. I don't know if I could have done anything to help you, you didn't want to help yourself. I want to wire more but I just can't. My thoughts are just spinning around in my head today whenever I think of you. I'm so disappointed in life. You were supposed to love me forever. I know I've asked you before but who will love me now? You were MY man babe. Mine. It hurt me to break up with you more than you knew it did. I messaged you that day not for your stuff.. It was because I missed you. It had been over 3 days and I didn't hear from you. Now it's been 3 weeks. 
I love knowing you kept trying to kiss me. Sick, dying, oxygen mask and intubation and you wanted to kiss me. Until the end you had game babe. Such a lover you were.. You had love for everyone but your self. And yet you were so selfish.. Why else would you put us all through this? I'm not the only one hurting over this. So many people loved you, and you meant something to them, to me. 

I hate that my life has to go on without your love. I miss you and love you always. 

Woke up crying today

It's been 3 weeks since you left this world. I hope you are at peace. One of us should be. I miss you and love you. 6:20 fucking sucks

Monday, March 17, 2014

Out of nowhere

Every so often I just get overcome by emotion when I least expect it. I'll hear something or someone will say something or hell I could smell something and I think of you and miss you. 

I was at the gym tonight. I like going there now. I find lots of comfort being there because that place feels like you to me. Your stuff is in the locker and it's like you would come back. I'm sure it's not healthy to leave everything as it was before but I don't care. I like it and that's all that matters.
I miss you so much. I think about you constantly. All I want is to have you back and I can't have that. I'm still so shocked you are gone. I can't believe it babe. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I will never see you again and that hurts me to my core. I'm watching fast and loud thinking of you. I had a bourbon tonight in the glasses you got for us. I poured one out for you. Wish you were here to toast me. Look me in the eye.. Watch me smoke. God I took that for granted.. How you watched me all the time. I know I did it for you sexually. We had an attraction that was like no other. You did it for me too, better than anyone ever had. I don't know how I'm supposed to get on with my life when I feel like this. 
I hope you see how much I'm missing you. How I'm just lost now. I can't believe this is my reality. I don't want to get better at accepting you are gone I want you back! Damn you! How could you do this to me? 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Tonight

I know you were with me tonight. I don't think it was a coincidence that the song you had as my ringtone came on the radio tonight, you wanted me to hear it. 

I'm still so mad at you and can't believe you choose this path for your life. Such a good soul but in so much pain. I never understood where it came from. You had some pain though, and needed to numb yourself from it. 

I still feel like the people who saw you while you were sick should have noticed something. I mean how could Kevin see you two days before going into the hospital and not see you were not good?
I know you were an adult and should have taken better care of your health but all these people who talked to you and no one did anything. I would have done something which is why I have regret about not talking on the phone with you, 
Can't change anything by thinking like this, but I can't really help it.

I thank god every day that I was there with you that Sunday. I hope you left this world knowing I love you. I hope you keep loving me forever.

I miss you everyday and love you very much. 

Friday, March 14, 2014

Damnit

Seriously when will everything stop reminding me of you? My pain is real and it fucking sucks. I try to not think about you.. Really I try. Nothing works. I miss you so much. 
The stupid song came on tonight while I was out trying to have a normal night out with friends. That Alicia keys song from the commercial that you would sing every morning. I immediately thought of you. You were so funny with that song babe. You sang it like you had soul and could hit the notes. I'll never hear you be silly like that again :(
I am trying not to listen to your messages or read through the correspondance we had and still you are always there reagardless. 
Just got on the bus and the couple behind me is asleep.  Instantly I thought of the time we passed out on the bus and woke up so far from home. Haha! I kicked the gate of a storefront and it cost me an extra 20 bucks to get us home. I got so mad at you I smacked my face on the door in the cab. Oh babe.. My heart hurts when I remember these things.i want to remember you but does it have to hurt so bad? 
I finally put my foot down with you, finally. And what happens? You spiraled out of control and now you are dead. How is that supposed to make me feel? I'll tell you how.. I feel responsible. I remember how you would hold your hand out for me as I got off the bus so I could lean on you (even though I didn't need you to). I remember how you'd have dinner ready when I got home from a long day at work.. You'd always set up my coffee so all I had to do was turn it on when I got up, and you made my oatmeal for me every week. I know you loved me as much as you could. You showed me such. 
The part that kills me inside is that you had AMAZING POTENTIAL. Really you did. You were smarter than I will ever be, and knew more about everything than I ever will. You had such talent and couldn't see it. I wish you could have seen you through my eyes. You'd have seen the man I knew you could be. Instead you decided to waste it away and loose yourself in the bottle. 
I'm mad at you for throwing all of that away. I'm sad you never saw the man I did when you looked at yourself. I'm lonely without your love. I pray you aren't suffering anymore. You didn't deserve to be so miserable. I wish I could have helped you. We could be together and happy right now. Instead I cry alone, wearing your tshirts to bed, thinking of what could have been.
I hope you know now that I love you and that I do have feelings. Lately I wish you were right, this would be so much easier if I didn't have any. 
I love you Lance Ray. I always will. My heart is broken. I'll never love again like I loved you. 
I hope I dream of you tonight. Please kiss me and protect me when I sleep. I need you :( 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Missing you

Damnit! I miss you.. :*(

Daily struggle

Woke up before my alarm this morning thinking of you. I talk to you still tryjing to understand why you did what you did. It baffles me, it just doesn't make sense. 
It's true we didn't talk much the last month of your life, so I truly don't know who you became in the end. I think that is why I can't help but desperately grasp at anything from you. Would it have been different if I didn't shut you out? I don't know. You pushed me to the limit and I put my foot down. Now I regret that but that is something I need to live with.
I know that you aren't suffering anymore but I still wish you were here. Selfish I know but I also know you could have fought if you wanted to. You had so much to live for and it was worth fighting for. The man I knew fought for me until the end, you kepr trying to convince me that we were meant to be together. Was it all talk? I thought it was because there was no positive change in your behavior. I found out after that you actually were doing more things to hurt yourself. What went on in your head that you thought it was a good idea? Or did you want to hurt yourself? Did you know what you were doing? That you were killing yourself?? I want to ask the woman you were talking to most in the end. Maybe she knows. I doubt she wants to talk to me, hell I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't help her and it's doubtful that it would comfort me either. I still want to know despite it. I read the txts you sent her, and like you knew I wasn't into queens guy, I knew you weren't into her. She was a filler for you, someone to talk to that didn't know the truth and told you what you needed to hear. I hope she brought you some sense of love and comfort. I know she didn't make you happy or you wouldn't have kept up with your self destructive behavior. 
So many unanswered questions that are swimming around in my head. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I'm sorry I failed you. Life is so dark since you passed. I am having such a hard time without you in my world. I go to work and can barely keep it together. I can't make it through a day without having multiple breakdowns at my desk. I cry all the time now. I'm so sad and it just doesn't go away. I want to feel you near me. This is so tragic I'm still so devastated. If I didn't see your dead body I'd swear it was a cruel joke. But I know better. It's real. This is my new reality, and I don't know how to deal. 
I miss you and love you. You will forever be my gnarly dude xoxo

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

This sucks

This was meant to be posted last night around 10:00PM.

Got off the subway at canal street and needed a bathroom, so of course I went to the nancy. Couldn't even bring myself to talk to Kat. Walked past Carlos and just went to the bathroom. I cried in there. That bar was our place. I remember our first date there, and all the nights we spent there since.
I have come to the realization that I'm not good at missing you.. This fucking sucks 

Must EVERYTHING remind me of you?

Seriously.. it's the peek of the football offseason and between Demarcus Ware maybe leaving the Cowboys, Eric Decker visiting the JETS, Michael Vic being talked about as the new JETS QB I am DYING TO TALK TO YOU! Wish you could come back :( Football season won't be the same without you babe. I love you and miss you so much.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Tacos

Was by my old job tonight. So many memories of you visiting me at work it's crazy. Our taco place closed... Nothing will ever be the same

Feelings

Today I'm feeling a lot of self doubt and self loathing. Feeling like I should have done something, or that I could have prevented this. I am perceptive so how didn't I know this was happening??

I just watched an amazing video of people kissing for the first time. Total strangers who just came together to kiss. What a beautiful memory I have of our first date. Once we started talking I was yours in spite of myself. We were that couple in the bar who couldn't stop kissing each other. You walked me to the bus stop and I can't even remember how many busses we let pass because we just weren't done with each other. That was the night of "Amanda's bushes" and you pulling out all the stops to try and get me somewhere so we could get naked. Most memorable moment was when, while completely engrossed in each other's passionate kissing, you slid your hand up the back of my skirt and touched my ass. I couldn't believe you had the balls to do that. Told me that it could have gone one of two ways, I could have slapped you or just keep on kissing you. I laughed. You said you wanted to know what I had on under my skirt.. what kind of panties I wore. That was when I told you that you had game. And that you had babe, you had so much game. You knew me and my body and we felt complete when we were intimate. I know I did and you've told me so many times how our amazing sex life wasn't only because we were good at sex but it was the feelings behind it. I know that now to be true even though I denied it to both you and myself for years.

I miss you. I long for your touch on my skin. You lips on mine. I will never forget how good you felt.

Unbelievable

2 weeks ago you left this world. I can't believe it. I still wake up and forget you are gone, and my heart breaks all over again when I realize what happened. 
You were right about a lot of things. We left a lot of love on the table when we split. I needed you to make an effort, that was my only demand. I hoped that you would hate being without me so much that you would change. I'd been asking since December and you just did the opposite. 
I hurt all the time these days. My heart is truly broken over this. I can't understand what happened. How did you loose hope? I got mean, so did you. I never didn't reply to you despite it. There isn't anyone who knew you that isn't hurting right now. You had so much to give and you drank it all away. I will never be the same again. Losing you has changed me  forever. Do you see how much I hurt? How desperate I am to feel connected to you? This is the longest I've gone without talking to you. Breakups or not we were always in touch. I couldn't quit you and I hope you know I didn't. I keep wondering why you didn't tell me how sick you were. If you needed help did you know I'd never deny you? I would have done anything for you. Your love was so special... You were so special. 
I know you loved me. I hope you know that I love you still. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Hard days

I wonder if you know how hard it is for so many people to get on with their lives without you. I'm so devastated and the minute I think I have a handle on it, I realize I don't.
God I MISS YOU SO MUCH. This hurts so bad. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. 2 weeks of this nightmare. I think about you all the time- can't think of anything else.
I'm planning on going to the gym tonight. I'm feeling so anxious about going there. I associate that place with you and I know I'll be checking the door a thousand times to see if you came to watch, when I know you can't. 
I wish things were different. I wish you were still here. I'm sad, all the time. Did I miss the signs? Was there something I could have done to avoid this? I know you weren't my responsibility but I feel responsible for this. 
My life has changed as a result of knowing you. I'm devastated that you aren't here to change with me. Who knows how my life will turn out. I always thought you'd be a part of it regardless. Now all I have are memories. I'm selfish and I want more! This isn't how it was supposed to end for us. No one will ever be you. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Grieving

I'm feeling so lost right now. The crying comes and goes, but this hole I feel in my world is constant. I wake up in the morning and check my phone. You would usually message me after I was asleep so I would wake up with a message from you. Haven't gotten a message in the morning since Valentines day. I know you loved me as much as you could have. We had so many good times and I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you. Maybe if I had done something different you would be with me and healthy right now. I know it had to come from inside you but that gives me little comfort. I feel like I failed you. Damn you for making me feel that way. 
I tried so hard with you. Gave you more chances than any other man I've ever known. I know you knew that. You needed more than I could have given to you. Hell I don't think anyone could have given you what you needed. You needed to change how you thought and felt. Talking to my therapist is helping me figure you out better. You should have kept up with your sessions. I honestly didn't realize you were so possessed by drinking. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were overindulgent, not addicted. You functioned fine without it as far as I could tell. The stuff that went down in September should have been OUR wake up call. It worked for me but not you. Then there is the weekend in December. I realized then that it was already too late for you. I knew I couldn't live that way and losing me wasn't enough of a wake up call for you. I wish it was different. We were so good when you were healthy. My best friend like no other. This pain is so real it's unbearable. I can't escape it babe I'm hurting so bad. I miss your love in my world. You were supposed to get better and we were going to make it work. 
I wish I could talk to you now. Miss your voice. Miss your big man paws holding me. I felt so small and comforted when you held me. I love that feeling. I remember when you came over after I hadn't seen you for a while. You walked in and I hugged you. I had to hold back my tears that night because it felt so nice to be wrapped in your arms and to breathe you in. I tried to be strong so you knew I was serious but I wanted to take you back right then. I wish you were able to do what you knew was the right thing so we could be together. Stop drinking.. You couldn't. Now I have to do what I need to for my life to go on. It hurts to know that I have to move on without you. My days are joyless since you've gone babe. I miss you so much. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

February 25 at 6:20 am

I was sitting on my couch going through the pictures on your phone. Saw all of the pictures you saved of me and us. We were so dirty together. You were by far the best lover I've ever had.  I was sending myself pictures, crying like a baby while your brother and I were having coffee. I was going to go to work and asked him to call the hospital and check on you, I knew something was wrong. He called at 7:40 and they told him you passed at 6:20. I lost it. I lost you. A piece of me was gone forever.
I am still in disbelief.. One week without you and I keep hoping you will txt and that this is some cruel nightmare. I know you won't, you can't.
I am so glad that we had out time together that Sunday. You opened your eyes and saw me there. I was holding your hand rubbing your arm. When you saw me you tried to talk. I told you that you couldn't talk with the tube in your throat. You squeezed my hand and looked at me with those sad eyes. I asked you if you wanted to tell me something and you nodded. I asked you if you wanted to apologize to me. You locked eyes with me and nodded. I asked you if you loved me and you grunted and gave me the "are you kidding me?" look with your eyes. I lost it and told you that I loved you so much and kissed your check. You leaned in to try and kiss me, so I asked "are you trying to kiss me babe?" you nodded. I had to laugh. That was my Lance. I told you that we couldn't kiss but I could kiss you, and I did. You were with it, you understood I was there you knew it was me and you felt me love on you. I didn't leave you that day. We had the best day I could have asked for. For a few hours I had you with me.. Really. It was so bitter sweet. I knew it would be our last time together. Sunday was so hard..I was afraid if I left you that you would die alone. That thought made me sick. You didn't deserve that. When you took a turn for the worse in the afternoon Johnny k was with me. That was the beginning if the end. You were sedated and never opened your eyes again. My life is forever changed.. I am struggling with this reality. It hurts. I keep listening to your voicemails where you are telling me how much you love me. I wish that love would have been enough to make you want to change. I wish you were capable of change. Instead you slowly killed yourself. Doc A told me it sounded like an unintentional suicide, and I definitely agree. You were hurting and I knew it but had no idea it was as bad as it was.
That day was so hard for me. I spent the morning with your children. Made them my pancakes with real bacon and laughed with them because you would have wanted that. Those boys are so special. I feel closer to you when I'm near them. Then the hard reality hit- we went to your apartment to clean it up. We were in shock at what we found. I had no idea how bad you got. The pain you must have been in for so long was staring us in the face. Bottles with piss in them next to the empty alcohol bottles, along with the paraphernalia we found was just inconceivable. The fact that you gave up was written all over that room. That might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it would have happened one way or the other, your demise was inevitable but I still can't help but feel responsible. I keep thinking what if I didn't shut you out if you'd be here today. But I know I couldn't change you. I wanted to but you needed to want to change. You were sick, so so sick. I'm sorry if I failed you babe. If I knew it would be like this things would have been so different. I would have done anything to not feel like this now. Anything. But I didn't, and I can't bring you back. I wish love was enough for you. You were so loved by so many people.

One week

A week ago almost exactly i saw you alive for the last time. You were so sick. I held your hand and kissed your check and told you that I love you. Did you know I was there? Did you feel me hold your hand? It hurt so much to leave that night.. I knew it would be the last time I'd be with you. I knew you were dying but still hoped for a miracle. I didn't get one. Instead I got a broken heart. I can't believe I'll never hear you say my name again. I'll never feel you look at me again. Never lay with you, kiss you, feel your hands on me. These thoughts make my chest hurt. How could you be gone? You were supposed to get your shit together because you loved me that much. I begged you to change.. You couldn't..
Now I sit here crying still in shock missing all the bullshit you came with. I couldn't quit you and you knew it. Now I have no choice. I can't think of anything else but you. I see reminders of you everywhere I turn. I've never felt pain like this before babe. I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. I feel the absence of your love from my life. It's profound the love we had. It wasn't always good but it was passionate. I've never felt so special than when you looked at me with that look. God I miss it. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for leaving me.. I'm lonely without you in this world. We were connected, in some crazy way we were. I'd think about you then I'd hear from you. It always happened. You couldn't stop thinking of me because I couldn't stop thinking of you. I've never known heartache like this before. 
You were supposed to be the one who loves me forever. Now what do I do?

Friday, February 28, 2014

Life is short

Hug the ones you love and tell them you love them. you never know when they won't be there. life is short, don't let it pass you by.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Okcupid and online dating

yes.. i'm still single! another 2.5 year failed relationship with the wrong man and here i am almost 38 and still single. so, once again i find myself dating online. i joined okcupid a few days ago and it has been a very enlightening experience so far. some of the things i've learned are:
  • most men who are my age look way older than i think they should
  • apparently i am very popular with men in their late 20's
  • when a guy in his 20's asks you to txt it's not because they want to actually talk to you, they want to send you dirty pictures and sext..
  • younger guys have no problems sending you sex pictures
  • younger guys have a plentitude of penis photos, videos (yes, i said videos) and an appetite for some seriously unconventional sex
  • some people put way too much effort into their profiles
  • "liking" someone doesn't mean you like them
I've learned so much in the past few days.. and i'm feeling very old. i have never thought of myself as a prude but DAMN.. kids these days. We will see how this goes.. stay tuned