Mondays were your day off

You would always try and talk me into working from home so we could spend time together. I indulged you a few times but today would have been a no brainer. The weather matches my mood today- grey and rainy. I'd love nothing more than to be off with you on the couch today.

We would order Chinese food, smoke, snuggle and have sex all day. Those were some of my favorite times with you. 

Missing you sucks.

I miss you

I've been looking back at a year ago and what we were doing. Your first oyster bar trip was about a year ago. You were so cute that night. I introduced you to pan roasts and you were like a kid. So happy and excited.. We took a pic to send to your dad :) 

We were also planning our vacation last year this time. We were deciding to go to Jamaica and picking out out resort. 

On March 30 last year you bought me flowers. You were good about being thoughtful. You knew I liked flowers and you got them for me on occasion. I can't remember what the reason was for the flowers but I have a pic of them. 

Incredible how much can change in a year. I remember feeling frustrated with our situation. How I had been asking you to change and try and make our life better. I was working so much and full of stress.. All I wanted was for you to help me. The pressure was too much for me. 

I miss you. I actually miss everything about you. The mushy talk all the time, the staring and the frustrating fights. Taking the bus without you sucks. I miss having you next to me all the time. You were my man, and you left me. Now I'm alone and have no one to hold out his arm so I can step down from the bus. 

You'll never meet me at the gym again. No more ordering mooncake for dinner. No more awesome fish tacos. No more you getting me juices to have after my work out. For all the things you didn't do well those weren't the small thoughtful things. You were so thoughtful. Always willing to so something for me except when it meant you needed to change. 

I think I'm at the stage of grief where I'm accepting you aren't coming back. 5 weeks tomorrow.. Almost 6 weeks since you've sent me a message. No matter I still wake up looking for a message from you. I still sleep in your tshirts, and the picture of you comes with me into the bedroom at night. I talk to you, but I don't know if you hear me. I miss you. I miss your company and the way you felt. I'm so afraid I'll forget how that was. I do to want to forget. I want you to be here to remind me.. Damn you! Damn you for taking those things away from me. You made promises to me, did you intend to keep those? Did you know that you wouldn't be able to keep them? I feel you might have known. 

In another desperate attempt to find something from you, I went through the clothes that you wore to the hospital. You didn't have underwear with you and I had wondered why. Then I saw the jeans. You must have known how sick you were. Just from what I saw, the jeans were so soiled. I wonder if that was why you ended up going to the hospital. I wish you'd have gone sooner. You might still be here with me. I'd take care of you. You always said I'd be the one who got the best of you. I think I did. I wish you saw what I did in you. So much beauty in you that you ignored. You let those dark thoughts drag you down. Robin offered to help. Were you just too proud? Do you know that this isn't how I wanted our relationship to end? I wanted losing me to scare you straight. It just pushed you further down the wrong path. I'm sad. I feel your loss all around me. I've never felt so alone before. I've been just looking for distractions lately, they help temporarily but when I'm alone I'm back with reality. 

It was supposed to be you. I'm devastated and miss you so much. 

I love you always Lance. Always 

This weekend

So this was the first weekend I actually tried not to think about you. It worked for the most part.. I'm realizing that I just need to keep distracted. But that then makes me feel bad because I want to honor your memory. Ugh. 

I miss you but my life has to go on.. As much as I don't want it to go on without you, you left me no choice :(

I miss you babe. So much. 

Today sucks

Having a hard time today. Miss you

Friday morning

So once again I'm up early and have a restless nights sleep. I should just accept that I'm not going to sleep well anymore. Guess my subconscious remembers when you would get home from work and I wake up. I miss the routine we had.

Had dinner with Steve last night and reminisced about us with him. He's a great friend and it felt good to talk to him. Wish I could talk to you. You were the best friend I had. I know you felt that way too. 

I can't talk about you without crying. I cry everyday since you got sick. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I didn't have that time with you the Sunday before you passed. That helped me so much. You and I had some time together.. You knew it was me and we "talked". I kissed you so much that day. You always had such amazing skin. I love to kiss you. I held your hand the whole time. You noticed my hair and touched the back of my head. You noticed my new bracelets and liked my subway token one. I got more now babe, 3 of them for you. 

Rob called me and said she found the sketches you made of us kissing. Those must have been the practice for my painting. I wish you had finished this piece, but I guess it's fitting that you didn't since we didn't get to finish our relationship. A lot of love was left on the table you were right about that. I recon I'll feel that way until we meet again. I hope we do get to meet again. If there is a place we go to when we die I hope I'm with you and my mom. I hate thinking how I'm never going to see you or be with you until then. I would never do anything stupid but I can't say I haven't thought about it. I'm desperate to feel you but I know that I have to wait. You know I'm not patient. The waiting is hard.. I am a brat and you know it. If I thought it would help I would be throwing tantrums all the time. I wish missing you as much as I do could bring you back. I know I'm not the only one who misses you.. But I miss you the most :) they didn't know you like I did. I saw such great things in you. Your love was so good babe. The best ever. I felt it all the time. With you or without you near me I had a confidence that died with you. I'm fundamentally different now that you are gone. You had said that I had it all figured out.. I didn't and I definitely don't now. I'm lost. Can't breathe. Feel disconnected from the world and I don't know what to do. My usual antics aren't going to cut it this time. I can go out and fuck half of New York but it won't do any good. I will just miss you more. I know I shouldn't but I compare everyone to you. You were so damn good when you were good. I will remember that always. 

For almost 3 years now you've been the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. I ache for you. 

Please watch over me babe.. Really could use your support and love right now. Not sure I deserve it but I hope you think I do. 

I love you and miss you more each day. 

I wonder

So many questions.. I wish you were here to answer them. I know the important answers but life is about the little things not the big ones. 

I know you loved me more than any other woman in your life. You told me and you told my friends. I don't think that was bullshit

I know you liked me too.. We definitely were best friends 

I know I "did it for you"

I know I was the best lover you ever had

I know you felt I made you a better man

I know you liked the way I took care of you

I know you missed me when we didn't see each other

I know you thought about me all the time

I know you liked how tiny I am compared to you.. (This always made me smile)

I know you liked how I smoked

I know I fulfilled some of your fantasies

I know you wanted to take care of me for ever

These things I know.. It's what I don't know that eats me up

Did you know you were killing yourself?

Did you think you were invincible?

Did you want to change?

Were you capable of change?

Did you want to die?

Did you realize we would all be devastated without you? 

Can you see me now?

Are you with me in spirit? 

I can't even think of all the questions I have. It hurts and I'm crying again. 

This is so hard. I miss you with my entire being. You were my love. You are my love. I'm broken without you. 

My world was better with you in it

Honestly I feel like my entire world and existence was better when you were here in it.

I miss you so much. I hurt every day. This is so hard.

This is different

I've known loss in my life before. I've burried the most important people in my life. My grandma who raised me, my mom.. The difference with those losses is that I had someone on my side to help me through. When grandma went I had my mom. Mom was amazing. I wish I could hear her now, to have her support because she was always so smart and strong and loving. When mom passed I thought I'd loose it, but I had tex. He was so supportive and helped me through the loss. Now, as I go through the loss of you, I'm doing this alone. Yes I have friends and they have been very supportive, but none of them love me the way I've had love before when I went through a loss. 

You used to tell me you'd always be there for me, that you wouldn't let me be an old maid. You loved me and despite your flaws, you were there for me. I knew I could always count on you. I miss that. You would drop everything for me and have before. Love the way I needed to be loved. Then you gave up. I couldn't let you lie to me about drinking anymore. As loving as you could be you were mean too. We both were mean. It turned unhealthy and angry. All because of the booze. It changed you. I'd wonder which version of you I'd get. When you were sober you were so patient. God, you were great!! You made me feel so happy.. So taken care of, so safe and loved. When you were drunk you were so different. Angry, self loathing, depressed and just the opposite of the man I loved.

I feel this loss unlike any other. I had hoped you would realize how bad drinking was for you. That you would want me more than the bottle. You didn't. I guess it must have been too much for you to do. Instead you just gave up. You gave in to your demons and left me. I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life. I don't know how to get over this. No one else can fill this void I feel.. Fuck I don't want anyone else. I want you. I want SOBER you back! I need to accept that you aren't coming back. I don't want to but you left me. I miss you and love you so much. I'm hurting without you. 

Why?

Why do I miss you so much? Why am I hurting so bad? One month and I feel more empty than I had before. This is unreal babe. I can't stand this pain. 

I hurt and just want to go and cry :(

I'm terrified

I'm so afraid of doing this alone. How am I supposed to live without you?

One month

Had a shitty nights sleep again. Woke up at 4:30 then again at 5:30.. Just can't sleep the night through lately. Too much on my mind I guess. 

I find it so hard to believe that it's been a month since I held your hand. I hate that I will never touch you again. I ache for you.

I want to be wrapped in your huge arms and feel your body against mine. You were so tender and loving, always mushy. I know you were only like that with me. We had a very special connection that kept bringing me back to you. I wish it could bring you back to me now. 

One month of not hearing your voice. One month of not getting a message from you. One month of dread and sadness. I look at your pictures all the time. I'm overwhelmed  by how much I miss you. This is so hard. You made promises that I'd never be alone, you would always take care of me. I wish that was how it is. Now all I have left are the reminders of you. My life has been changed by knowing you babe. My routine is one we established, I eat the diet you helped me put together. Go to your gym, spend time with your friends and children. You are still such a part of my life that I feel the loss every minute of the day. One month. How the fuck am I supposed to do this without you? What am I going to do? I know that life goes on, and it isn't the end of the world, but I feel like my world is so empty without you. One month. I swear no one has ever made me feel this way before. I loved your love so much. I wish things were different. 6:20 you breathed your last breath.. Every time I see the clock at that time I hurt all over again. 

I have so many memories of you, good and bad, but I cherish them all the same. You and I were a team- an awesome one at that. Everything we did we did with passion. Made love, went out, laughed, fought, it was all intense. We were intense. I miss you beyond words. 

You are a part of who I am. I will never be the same. My life is now defined by the two most traumatic events in my life- the death of my mother (5/1/07) and the day my heart died (2/25/14). 

I love you and miss you so very much. Please watch over me and show me signs that you haven't abandoned me.. I need your support more than ever. 

RIP babe- one month. 

Missing my friend

So many times I think of where you'd be or what you would be doing.. Like today would be your day off. This morning I went and made birthday pancakes for your son. He asked for me to make breakfast for his sleepover friends.. I of course said yes. Hell I cooked off 4 pounds of bacon in preparation until after midnight last night. Tonight I'm treating them to hibachi :) I wish you were coming with us. 

I don't know what is going on in football land.. Haven't watched sports center since you were here. Don't feel like I can yet since that was the channel you always had on. 

I'm going to Austin soon, staying in a cool airstream near 6th street. Should be good. Gonna be strange being in Austin without you. You had always been with me when I went there. We made such good memories on our trips to Texas. Going swimming in the middle of nowhere, or traveling to luling, franklins, long branch..wataburger, chilangos, big red!!! 

You were so special and had such potential. I'm disappointed that it's been wasted. I miss your kisses.. But mostly I miss your arms around me. Grabbing your sleeve cause my arms were too short to reach your hand. I wish I'd have known about your problem. 

I just thought about meeting you at the bar when we started dating. We had such passion together. I miss the intensity of us. 

I hope megan is right and you are with me.. I want you with me to see how much I hurt without you. I wish I could hear you and feel you. 

Only you

I haven't been the same sexually since you passed. You know me and how sexual I am, I love porn and sex as much as you did. But I haven't wanted it at all.. The only porn I look at are the 3 videos that I have of us. Now I'm wishing we took more. You were and are my best lover. You knew my body, instinctively. There wasn't anything you did to me that I didn't enjoy. It won't be the same without you. I think of you when I masturbate now.. I want to feel you. 

God I miss you so much!

That feeling

Did you know how I wanted to break down and cry when I saw you for the first time in a month? When you came to my house and I hugged you.. Did you feel  me whimper when you hugged me? I hated being without you. Damn you I fucking hate being without you!!! There was nothing more in this world I wanted. You. I wanted you. But the man I know you were capable of being. Not this fucking coward you turned out to be... 

My back hurts and guess what I think of? I think of you rubbing my hammys while I lay across your lap! Fuck you! Fuck you for making me miss you like I do. My world is falling apart. I'm in such pain

It's spring

Can't believe you aren't here for this time of year. It's when everything is fresh and new and people are happy. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for almost a month now. How can I be happy when I have a hole the size of a mack truck in my chest?

There is this emptiness that fills me that I just can't shake. I can smile and be cordial to people but all I want to do is go lie on my couch and cry. I miss you. This isn't getting easier and I'm struggling big time.

I haven't been looking at your pictures, not listening to voicemails and still it's all consuming. Everything reminds me of you in some way. I honestly feel as if a piece of me died with you. The beautiful sexy piece is gone.

You brought me so much love, and so many emotions. I know I was angry with you, and we both know it was because I was hurt. I am still hurt. You should have wanted me enough, I should have been enough. I know your kids should have been your motivation but you are just like my dad in that you weren't ready to be a father. I had such hopes that you could change. I tried so hard to change you. You thought it was me being controlling... You were so stubborn and couldn't admit to yourself that you had a problem. I don't know what you were thinking in the end. The things we found at your place truly baffle me. Rob says that you were good at assimilating, you fit in with the people you were around. I can see how that is true but I also think it was something you choose to do. No one forced you to do it. You did it and it hurt you. And you kept doing it. And now you are gone.

I miss your face, your silly beard, the way your head felt when it was fresh shaven. The way you kissed my lips and other places... the way your hands felt on my body. How I always felt so safe and tiny in your arms. I miss watching you watch me. I miss making insane crazy love to you every weekend. I miss the txt messages asking for pictures. I miss so much. I am missing you.

and now I feel like I can't breathe again. God I miss you.

Feeling like a broken record

I swear I feel like all I do is say the same shit over and over again. I'm sad, I'm hurting, I miss you. Blah blah. 

I wish I didn't feel this way but I do. Had to call my therapist today because I was such a mess. She told me it's ok to feel this way, says I'm just sad. Honestly I think that's an understatement. I am not the same without you. Truly I'm different. I can't just hook up like I was because other men repulse me now. They aren't you. No one will ever be you. 

My back hurts so bad. Went to see saki tonight. Again someone who I wouldn't have known if it weren't for you. She is sad for me. Fuck, I'm sad for me. I hope you are at peace now babe. I can't imagine doing this without you. I do t have a choice. You are gone and I need to live with it, doesn't mean I have to like it. 

Mo posted something beautiful today to you. Another woman (friend but still female) whose heart is broken by your passing. You are so loved! If love could bring you back you'd be with me now. With all of us now.

Funny, you would tell me you looked forward to seeing me get older. You and mommy would tell me that I get prettier the older I get. Not feeling so pretty these days. Feeling quite sick and ugly, empty and alone.

I miss you and hurt so much. 

Not sure why

But right now I'm crying pretty hard. At work with a ton to do and I am crying. I miss you so much.

Damnit! I'm so sad :(

Woke up before the alarm

Wide awake at 5:40 this morning, first thought was of you. That's not a surprise, I go to sleep thinking of you, so why wouldn't I wake up thinking of you? 

This still isn't real. I want to wake up from this living nightmare and when I do you'll be by my side. 

Every day is a struggle right now. I have good days and bad ones. Feeling like the bad ones are winning lately. I'm anxious and nervous. I had hoped that exercising would help with those things. It has to a point but not the way I need it to. 

I want to get a tattoo in your memory. Need something physical on me that is of you. We always talked about what we would get for each other. You wanted to get a hornet or a bobcat for me. Your rationale was that I was meaner than a hornet, and as vicious as a bobcat. Haha. You did pick strong willed women to be with :) in the end you didn't get anything, but you died with my mark on you. That time I scratched your right arm, it scarred you through a couple of your tats. You sent me the txt saying "guess I got my tattoo" with a pic of the scar. I don't regret doing it especially now. 

I never decided what I'd get in your honor. Now I'm really struggling for something to get. I found the smoking skull with the pink bow you drew for me. I might get it, but I'm not sure. Whatever I end up getting it will have something of YOU in it. Maybe your initials, or your birthdate and the date you passed. Hate that you are gone. 

I look at your pictures every day, at the art you made for me. You were so special. Sometimes I'm so overcome with emotion I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm suffocating and can't get air. It's crippling. 

I wish you finished this piece.. It's my favorite. I'll cherish it forever. 

Sikigirl and Iron Iron Male together forever. <3

Another day without you

I don't like this at all. I keep thinking how it wasn't supposed to end like this. You were supposed to clean up because you wanted to be a better man for me. I can't understand how you could say all the things you said and not mean it. Did you just hate yourself that much that you just threw it all away? I can't think about you without the shock of knowing I'll never see you again. I'm hurting so much without you in my life 

Found out you kept us a secret for a while.. I know the people who knew you knew about me. You talked about me as much as I did (and still do) about you. What Dan said to me still blows my mind. You loved me and I know that. I think you were glad I was with you in the hospital. Why didn't you ask for help sooner? I keep thinking that I could have helped you if I knew. I don't know if I could have done anything to help you, you didn't want to help yourself. I want to wire more but I just can't. My thoughts are just spinning around in my head today whenever I think of you. I'm so disappointed in life. You were supposed to love me forever. I know I've asked you before but who will love me now? You were MY man babe. Mine. It hurt me to break up with you more than you knew it did. I messaged you that day not for your stuff.. It was because I missed you. It had been over 3 days and I didn't hear from you. Now it's been 3 weeks. 

I love knowing you kept trying to kiss me. Sick, dying, oxygen mask and intubation and you wanted to kiss me. Until the end you had game babe. Such a lover you were.. You had love for everyone but your self. And yet you were so selfish.. Why else would you put us all through this? I'm not the only one hurting over this. So many people loved you, and you meant something to them, to me. 

I hate that my life has to go on without your love. I miss you and love you always. 

Woke up crying today

It's been 3 weeks since you left this world. I hope you are at peace. One of us should be. I miss you and love you. 6:20 fucking sucks

Out of nowhere

Every so often I just get overcome by emotion when I least expect it. I'll hear something or someone will say something or hell I could smell something and I think of you and miss you. 

I was at the gym tonight. I like going there now. I find lots of comfort being there because that place feels like you to me. Your stuff is in the locker and it's like you would come back. I'm sure it's not healthy to leave everything as it was before but I don't care. I like it and that's all that matters.

I miss you so much. I think about you constantly. All I want is to have you back and I can't have that. I'm still so shocked you are gone. I can't believe it babe. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I will never see you again and that hurts me to my core. I'm watching fast and loud thinking of you. I had a bourbon tonight in the glasses you got for us. I poured one out for you. Wish you were here to toast me. Look me in the eye.. Watch me smoke. God I took that for granted.. How you watched me all the time. I know I did it for you sexually. We had an attraction that was like no other. You did it for me too, better than anyone ever had. I don't know how I'm supposed to get on with my life when I feel like this. 

I hope you see how much I'm missing you. How I'm just lost now. I can't believe this is my reality. I don't want to get better at accepting you are gone I want you back! Damn you! How could you do this to me? 

Tonight

I know you were with me tonight. I don't think it was a coincidence that the song you had as my ringtone came on the radio tonight, you wanted me to hear it. 

I'm still so mad at you and can't believe you choose this path for your life. Such a good soul but in so much pain. I never understood where it came from. You had some pain though, and needed to numb yourself from it. 

I still feel like the people who saw you while you were sick should have noticed something. I mean how could Kevin see you two days before going into the hospital and not see you were not good?

I know you were an adult and should have taken better care of your health but all these people who talked to you and no one did anything. I would have done something which is why I have regret about not talking on the phone with you, 

Can't change anything by thinking like this, but I can't really help it.

I thank god every day that I was there with you that Sunday. I hope you left this world knowing I love you. I hope you keep loving me forever.

I miss you everyday and love you very much. 

Damnit

Seriously when will everything stop reminding me of you? My pain is real and it fucking sucks. I try to not think about you.. Really I try. Nothing works. I miss you so much. 

The stupid song came on tonight while I was out trying to have a normal night out with friends. That Alicia keys song from the commercial that you would sing every morning. I immediately thought of you. You were so funny with that song babe. You sang it like you had soul and could hit the notes. I'll never hear you be silly like that again :(

I am trying not to listen to your messages or read through the correspondance we had and still you are always there reagardless. 

Just got on the bus and the couple behind me is asleep.  Instantly I thought of the time we passed out on the bus and woke up so far from home. Haha! I kicked the gate of a storefront and it cost me an extra 20 bucks to get us home. I got so mad at you I smacked my face on the door in the cab. Oh babe.. My heart hurts when I remember these things.i want to remember you but does it have to hurt so bad? 

I finally put my foot down with you, finally. And what happens? You spiraled out of control and now you are dead. How is that supposed to make me feel? I'll tell you how.. I feel responsible. I remember how you would hold your hand out for me as I got off the bus so I could lean on you (even though I didn't need you to). I remember how you'd have dinner ready when I got home from a long day at work.. You'd always set up my coffee so all I had to do was turn it on when I got up, and you made my oatmeal for me every week. I know you loved me as much as you could. You showed me such. 

The part that kills me inside is that you had AMAZING POTENTIAL. Really you did. You were smarter than I will ever be, and knew more about everything than I ever will. You had such talent and couldn't see it. I wish you could have seen you through my eyes. You'd have seen the man I knew you could be. Instead you decided to waste it away and loose yourself in the bottle. 

I'm mad at you for throwing all of that away. I'm sad you never saw the man I did when you looked at yourself. I'm lonely without your love. I pray you aren't suffering anymore. You didn't deserve to be so miserable. I wish I could have helped you. We could be together and happy right now. Instead I cry alone, wearing your tshirts to bed, thinking of what could have been.

I hope you know now that I love you and that I do have feelings. Lately I wish you were right, this would be so much easier if I didn't have any. 

I love you Lance Ray. I always will. My heart is broken. I'll never love again like I loved you. 

I hope I dream of you tonight. Please kiss me and protect me when I sleep. I need you :( 

Missing you

Damnit! I miss you.. :*(

Daily struggle

Woke up before my alarm this morning thinking of you. I talk to you still tryjing to understand why you did what you did. It baffles me, it just doesn't make sense. 

It's true we didn't talk much the last month of your life, so I truly don't know who you became in the end. I think that is why I can't help but desperately grasp at anything from you. Would it have been different if I didn't shut you out? I don't know. You pushed me to the limit and I put my foot down. Now I regret that but that is something I need to live with.

I know that you aren't suffering anymore but I still wish you were here. Selfish I know but I also know you could have fought if you wanted to. You had so much to live for and it was worth fighting for. The man I knew fought for me until the end, you kepr trying to convince me that we were meant to be together. Was it all talk? I thought it was because there was no positive change in your behavior. I found out after that you actually were doing more things to hurt yourself. What went on in your head that you thought it was a good idea? Or did you want to hurt yourself? Did you know what you were doing? That you were killing yourself?? I want to ask the woman you were talking to most in the end. Maybe she knows. I doubt she wants to talk to me, hell I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't help her and it's doubtful that it would comfort me either. I still want to know despite it. I read the txts you sent her, and like you knew I wasn't into queens guy, I knew you weren't into her. She was a filler for you, someone to talk to that didn't know the truth and told you what you needed to hear. I hope she brought you some sense of love and comfort. I know she didn't make you happy or you wouldn't have kept up with your self destructive behavior. 

So many unanswered questions that are swimming around in my head. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I'm sorry I failed you. Life is so dark since you passed. I am having such a hard time without you in my world. I go to work and can barely keep it together. I can't make it through a day without having multiple breakdowns at my desk. I cry all the time now. I'm so sad and it just doesn't go away. I want to feel you near me. This is so tragic I'm still so devastated. If I didn't see your dead body I'd swear it was a cruel joke. But I know better. It's real. This is my new reality, and I don't know how to deal. 

I miss you and love you. You will forever be my gnarly dude xoxo

This sucks

This was meant to be posted last night around 10:00PM.

Got off the subway at canal street and needed a bathroom, so of course I went to the nancy. Couldn't even bring myself to talk to Kat. Walked past Carlos and just went to the bathroom. I cried in there. That bar was our place. I remember our first date there, and all the nights we spent there since.

I have come to the realization that I'm not good at missing you.. This fucking sucks 

Must EVERYTHING remind me of you?

Seriously.. it's the peek of the football offseason and between Demarcus Ware maybe leaving the Cowboys, Eric Decker visiting the JETS, Michael Vic being talked about as the new JETS QB I am DYING TO TALK TO YOU! Wish you could come back :( Football season won't be the same without you babe. I love you and miss you so much.

Tacos

Was by my old job tonight. So many memories of you visiting me at work it's crazy. Our taco place closed... Nothing will ever be the same

Feelings

Today I'm feeling a lot of self doubt and self loathing. Feeling like I should have done something, or that I could have prevented this. I am perceptive so how didn't I know this was happening??

I just watched an amazing video of people kissing for the first time. Total strangers who just came together to kiss. What a beautiful memory I have of our first date. Once we started talking I was yours in spite of myself. We were that couple in the bar who couldn't stop kissing each other. You walked me to the bus stop and I can't even remember how many busses we let pass because we just weren't done with each other. That was the night of "Amanda's bushes" and you pulling out all the stops to try and get me somewhere so we could get naked. Most memorable moment was when, while completely engrossed in each other's passionate kissing, you slid your hand up the back of my skirt and touched my ass. I couldn't believe you had the balls to do that. Told me that it could have gone one of two ways, I could have slapped you or just keep on kissing you. I laughed. You said you wanted to know what I had on under my skirt.. what kind of panties I wore. That was when I told you that you had game. And that you had babe, you had so much game. You knew me and my body and we felt complete when we were intimate. I know I did and you've told me so many times how our amazing sex life wasn't only because we were good at sex but it was the feelings behind it. I know that now to be true even though I denied it to both you and myself for years.

I miss you. I long for your touch on my skin. You lips on mine. I will never forget how good you felt.

Unbelievable

2 weeks ago you left this world. I can't believe it. I still wake up and forget you are gone, and my heart breaks all over again when I realize what happened. 

You were right about a lot of things. We left a lot of love on the table when we split. I needed you to make an effort, that was my only demand. I hoped that you would hate being without me so much that you would change. I'd been asking since December and you just did the opposite. 

I hurt all the time these days. My heart is truly broken over this. I can't understand what happened. How did you loose hope? I got mean, so did you. I never didn't reply to you despite it. There isn't anyone who knew you that isn't hurting right now. You had so much to give and you drank it all away. I will never be the same again. Losing you has changed me  forever. Do you see how much I hurt? How desperate I am to feel connected to you? This is the longest I've gone without talking to you. Breakups or not we were always in touch. I couldn't quit you and I hope you know I didn't. I keep wondering why you didn't tell me how sick you were. If you needed help did you know I'd never deny you? I would have done anything for you. Your love was so special... You were so special. 

I know you loved me. I hope you know that I love you still. 

Hard days

I wonder if you know how hard it is for so many people to get on with their lives without you. I'm so devastated and the minute I think I have a handle on it, I realize I don't.
God I MISS YOU SO MUCH. This hurts so bad. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. 2 weeks of this nightmare. I think about you all the time- can't think of anything else.

I'm planning on going to the gym tonight. I'm feeling so anxious about going there. I associate that place with you and I know I'll be checking the door a thousand times to see if you came to watch, when I know you can't. 

I wish things were different. I wish you were still here. I'm sad, all the time. Did I miss the signs? Was there something I could have done to avoid this? I know you weren't my responsibility but I feel responsible for this. 

My life has changed as a result of knowing you. I'm devastated that you aren't here to change with me. Who knows how my life will turn out. I always thought you'd be a part of it regardless. Now all I have are memories. I'm selfish and I want more! This isn't how it was supposed to end for us. No one will ever be you. 

Grieving

I'm feeling so lost right now. The crying comes and goes, but this hole I feel in my world is constant. I wake up in the morning and check my phone. You would usually message me after I was asleep so I would wake up with a message from you. Haven't gotten a message in the morning since Valentines day. I know you loved me as much as you could have. We had so many good times and I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you. Maybe if I had done something different you would be with me and healthy right now. I know it had to come from inside you but that gives me little comfort. I feel like I failed you. Damn you for making me feel that way. 

I tried so hard with you. Gave you more chances than any other man I've ever known. I know you knew that. You needed more than I could have given to you. Hell I don't think anyone could have given you what you needed. You needed to change how you thought and felt. Talking to my therapist is helping me figure you out better. You should have kept up with your sessions. I honestly didn't realize you were so possessed by drinking. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were overindulgent, not addicted. You functioned fine without it as far as I could tell. The stuff that went down in September should have been OUR wake up call. It worked for me but not you. Then there is the weekend in December. I realized then that it was already too late for you. I knew I couldn't live that way and losing me wasn't enough of a wake up call for you. I wish it was different. We were so good when you were healthy. My best friend like no other. This pain is so real it's unbearable. I can't escape it babe I'm hurting so bad. I miss your love in my world. You were supposed to get better and we were going to make it work. 

I wish I could talk to you now. Miss your voice. Miss your big man paws holding me. I felt so small and comforted when you held me. I love that feeling. I remember when you came over after I hadn't seen you for a while. You walked in and I hugged you. I had to hold back my tears that night because it felt so nice to be wrapped in your arms and to breathe you in. I tried to be strong so you knew I was serious but I wanted to take you back right then. I wish you were able to do what you knew was the right thing so we could be together. Stop drinking.. You couldn't. Now I have to do what I need to for my life to go on. It hurts to know that I have to move on without you. My days are joyless since you've gone babe. I miss you so much. 

February 25 at 6:20 am

I was sitting on my couch going through the pictures on your phone. Saw all of the pictures you saved of me and us. We were so dirty together. You were by far the best lover I've ever had.  I was sending myself pictures, crying like a baby while your brother and I were having coffee. I was going to go to work and asked him to call the hospital and check on you, I knew something was wrong. He called at 7:40 and they told him you passed at 6:20. I lost it. I lost you. A piece of me was gone forever.

I am still in disbelief.. One week without you and I keep hoping you will txt and that this is some cruel nightmare. I know you won't, you can't.

I am so glad that we had out time together that Sunday. You opened your eyes and saw me there. I was holding your hand rubbing your arm. When you saw me you tried to talk. I told you that you couldn't talk with the tube in your throat. You squeezed my hand and looked at me with those sad eyes. I asked you if you wanted to tell me something and you nodded. I asked you if you wanted to apologize to me. You locked eyes with me and nodded. I asked you if you loved me and you grunted and gave me the "are you kidding me?" look with your eyes. I lost it and told you that I loved you so much and kissed your check. You leaned in to try and kiss me, so I asked "are you trying to kiss me babe?" you nodded. I had to laugh. That was my Lance. I told you that we couldn't kiss but I could kiss you, and I did. You were with it, you understood I was there you knew it was me and you felt me love on you. I didn't leave you that day. We had the best day I could have asked for. For a few hours I had you with me.. Really. It was so bitter sweet. I knew it would be our last time together. Sunday was so hard..I was afraid if I left you that you would die alone. That thought made me sick. You didn't deserve that. When you took a turn for the worse in the afternoon Johnny k was with me. That was the beginning if the end. You were sedated and never opened your eyes again. My life is forever changed.. I am struggling with this reality. It hurts. I keep listening to your voicemails where you are telling me how much you love me. I wish that love would have been enough to make you want to change. I wish you were capable of change. Instead you slowly killed yourself. Doc A told me it sounded like an unintentional suicide, and I definitely agree. You were hurting and I knew it but had no idea it was as bad as it was.

That day was so hard for me. I spent the morning with your children. Made them my pancakes with real bacon and laughed with them because you would have wanted that. Those boys are so special. I feel closer to you when I'm near them. Then the hard reality hit- we went to your apartment to clean it up. We were in shock at what we found. I had no idea how bad you got. The pain you must have been in for so long was staring us in the face. Bottles with piss in them next to the empty alcohol bottles, along with the paraphernalia we found was just inconceivable. The fact that you gave up was written all over that room. That might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it would have happened one way or the other, your demise was inevitable but I still can't help but feel responsible. I keep thinking what if I didn't shut you out if you'd be here today. But I know I couldn't change you. I wanted to but you needed to want to change. You were sick, so so sick. I'm sorry if I failed you babe. If I knew it would be like this things would have been so different. I would have done anything to not feel like this now. Anything. But I didn't, and I can't bring you back. I wish love was enough for you. You were so loved by so many people.

One week

A week ago almost exactly i saw you alive for the last time. You were so sick. I held your hand and kissed your check and told you that I love you. Did you know I was there? Did you feel me hold your hand? It hurt so much to leave that night.. I knew it would be the last time I'd be with you. I knew you were dying but still hoped for a miracle. I didn't get one. Instead I got a broken heart. I can't believe I'll never hear you say my name again. I'll never feel you look at me again. Never lay with you, kiss you, feel your hands on me. These thoughts make my chest hurt. How could you be gone? You were supposed to get your shit together because you loved me that much. I begged you to change.. You couldn't..

Now I sit here crying still in shock missing all the bullshit you came with. I couldn't quit you and you knew it. Now I have no choice. I can't think of anything else but you. I see reminders of you everywhere I turn. I've never felt pain like this before babe. I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. I feel the absence of your love from my life. It's profound the love we had. It wasn't always good but it was passionate. I've never felt so special than when you looked at me with that look. God I miss it. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for leaving me.. I'm lonely without you in this world. We were connected, in some crazy way we were. I'd think about you then I'd hear from you. It always happened. You couldn't stop thinking of me because I couldn't stop thinking of you. I've never known heartache like this before. 

You were supposed to be the one who loves me forever. Now what do I do?