Mondays were your day off

You would always try and talk me into working from home so we could spend time together. I indulged you a few times but today would have been a no brainer. The weather matches my mood today- grey and rainy. I'd love nothing more than to be off with you on the couch today.

We would order Chinese food, smoke, snuggle and have sex all day. Those were some of my favorite times with you. 

Missing you sucks.

I miss you

I've been looking back at a year ago and what we were doing. Your first oyster bar trip was about a year ago. You were so cute that night. I introduced you to pan roasts and you were like a kid. So happy and excited.. We took a pic to send to your dad :) 

We were also planning our vacation last year this time. We were deciding to go to Jamaica and picking out out resort. 

On March 30 last year you bought me flowers. You were good about being thoughtful. You knew I liked flowers and you got them for me on occasion. I can't remember what the reason was for the flowers but I have a pic of them. 

Incredible how much can change in a year. I remember feeling frustrated with our situation. How I had been asking you to change and try and make our life better. I was working so much and full of stress.. All I wanted was for you to help me. The pressure was too much for me. 

I miss you. I actually miss everything about you. The mushy talk all the time, the staring and the frustrating fights. Taking the bus without you sucks. I miss having you next to me all the time. You were my man, and you left me. Now I'm alone and have no one to hold out his arm so I can step down from the bus. 

You'll never meet me at the gym again. No more ordering mooncake for dinner. No more awesome fish tacos. No more you getting me juices to have after my work out. For all the things you didn't do well those weren't the small thoughtful things. You were so thoughtful. Always willing to so something for me except when it meant you needed to change. 

I think I'm at the stage of grief where I'm accepting you aren't coming back. 5 weeks tomorrow.. Almost 6 weeks since you've sent me a message. No matter I still wake up looking for a message from you. I still sleep in your tshirts, and the picture of you comes with me into the bedroom at night. I talk to you, but I don't know if you hear me. I miss you. I miss your company and the way you felt. I'm so afraid I'll forget how that was. I do to want to forget. I want you to be here to remind me.. Damn you! Damn you for taking those things away from me. You made promises to me, did you intend to keep those? Did you know that you wouldn't be able to keep them? I feel you might have known. 

In another desperate attempt to find something from you, I went through the clothes that you wore to the hospital. You didn't have underwear with you and I had wondered why. Then I saw the jeans. You must have known how sick you were. Just from what I saw, the jeans were so soiled. I wonder if that was why you ended up going to the hospital. I wish you'd have gone sooner. You might still be here with me. I'd take care of you. You always said I'd be the one who got the best of you. I think I did. I wish you saw what I did in you. So much beauty in you that you ignored. You let those dark thoughts drag you down. Robin offered to help. Were you just too proud? Do you know that this isn't how I wanted our relationship to end? I wanted losing me to scare you straight. It just pushed you further down the wrong path. I'm sad. I feel your loss all around me. I've never felt so alone before. I've been just looking for distractions lately, they help temporarily but when I'm alone I'm back with reality. 

It was supposed to be you. I'm devastated and miss you so much. 

I love you always Lance. Always 

This weekend

So this was the first weekend I actually tried not to think about you. It worked for the most part.. I'm realizing that I just need to keep distracted. But that then makes me feel bad because I want to honor your memory. Ugh. 

I miss you but my life has to go on.. As much as I don't want it to go on without you, you left me no choice :(

I miss you babe. So much. 

Today sucks

Having a hard time today. Miss you

Friday morning

So once again I'm up early and have a restless nights sleep. I should just accept that I'm not going to sleep well anymore. Guess my subconscious remembers when you would get home from work and I wake up. I miss the routine we had.

Had dinner with Steve last night and reminisced about us with him. He's a great friend and it felt good to talk to him. Wish I could talk to you. You were the best friend I had. I know you felt that way too. 

I can't talk about you without crying. I cry everyday since you got sick. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I didn't have that time with you the Sunday before you passed. That helped me so much. You and I had some time together.. You knew it was me and we "talked". I kissed you so much that day. You always had such amazing skin. I love to kiss you. I held your hand the whole time. You noticed my hair and touched the back of my head. You noticed my new bracelets and liked my subway token one. I got more now babe, 3 of them for you. 

Rob called me and said she found the sketches you made of us kissing. Those must have been the practice for my painting. I wish you had finished this piece, but I guess it's fitting that you didn't since we didn't get to finish our relationship. A lot of love was left on the table you were right about that. I recon I'll feel that way until we meet again. I hope we do get to meet again. If there is a place we go to when we die I hope I'm with you and my mom. I hate thinking how I'm never going to see you or be with you until then. I would never do anything stupid but I can't say I haven't thought about it. I'm desperate to feel you but I know that I have to wait. You know I'm not patient. The waiting is hard.. I am a brat and you know it. If I thought it would help I would be throwing tantrums all the time. I wish missing you as much as I do could bring you back. I know I'm not the only one who misses you.. But I miss you the most :) they didn't know you like I did. I saw such great things in you. Your love was so good babe. The best ever. I felt it all the time. With you or without you near me I had a confidence that died with you. I'm fundamentally different now that you are gone. You had said that I had it all figured out.. I didn't and I definitely don't now. I'm lost. Can't breathe. Feel disconnected from the world and I don't know what to do. My usual antics aren't going to cut it this time. I can go out and fuck half of New York but it won't do any good. I will just miss you more. I know I shouldn't but I compare everyone to you. You were so damn good when you were good. I will remember that always. 

For almost 3 years now you've been the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. I ache for you. 

Please watch over me babe.. Really could use your support and love right now. Not sure I deserve it but I hope you think I do. 

I love you and miss you more each day. 

I wonder

So many questions.. I wish you were here to answer them. I know the important answers but life is about the little things not the big ones. 

I know you loved me more than any other woman in your life. You told me and you told my friends. I don't think that was bullshit

I know you liked me too.. We definitely were best friends 

I know I "did it for you"

I know I was the best lover you ever had

I know you felt I made you a better man

I know you liked the way I took care of you

I know you missed me when we didn't see each other

I know you thought about me all the time

I know you liked how tiny I am compared to you.. (This always made me smile)

I know you liked how I smoked

I know I fulfilled some of your fantasies

I know you wanted to take care of me for ever

These things I know.. It's what I don't know that eats me up

Did you know you were killing yourself?

Did you think you were invincible?

Did you want to change?

Were you capable of change?

Did you want to die?

Did you realize we would all be devastated without you? 

Can you see me now?

Are you with me in spirit? 

I can't even think of all the questions I have. It hurts and I'm crying again. 

This is so hard. I miss you with my entire being. You were my love. You are my love. I'm broken without you. 

My world was better with you in it

Honestly I feel like my entire world and existence was better when you were here in it.

I miss you so much. I hurt every day. This is so hard.