Daily struggle

Woke up before my alarm this morning thinking of you. I talk to you still tryjing to understand why you did what you did. It baffles me, it just doesn't make sense. 

It's true we didn't talk much the last month of your life, so I truly don't know who you became in the end. I think that is why I can't help but desperately grasp at anything from you. Would it have been different if I didn't shut you out? I don't know. You pushed me to the limit and I put my foot down. Now I regret that but that is something I need to live with.

I know that you aren't suffering anymore but I still wish you were here. Selfish I know but I also know you could have fought if you wanted to. You had so much to live for and it was worth fighting for. The man I knew fought for me until the end, you kepr trying to convince me that we were meant to be together. Was it all talk? I thought it was because there was no positive change in your behavior. I found out after that you actually were doing more things to hurt yourself. What went on in your head that you thought it was a good idea? Or did you want to hurt yourself? Did you know what you were doing? That you were killing yourself?? I want to ask the woman you were talking to most in the end. Maybe she knows. I doubt she wants to talk to me, hell I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't help her and it's doubtful that it would comfort me either. I still want to know despite it. I read the txts you sent her, and like you knew I wasn't into queens guy, I knew you weren't into her. She was a filler for you, someone to talk to that didn't know the truth and told you what you needed to hear. I hope she brought you some sense of love and comfort. I know she didn't make you happy or you wouldn't have kept up with your self destructive behavior. 

So many unanswered questions that are swimming around in my head. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I'm sorry I failed you. Life is so dark since you passed. I am having such a hard time without you in my world. I go to work and can barely keep it together. I can't make it through a day without having multiple breakdowns at my desk. I cry all the time now. I'm so sad and it just doesn't go away. I want to feel you near me. This is so tragic I'm still so devastated. If I didn't see your dead body I'd swear it was a cruel joke. But I know better. It's real. This is my new reality, and I don't know how to deal. 

I miss you and love you. You will forever be my gnarly dude xoxo