This is different

I've known loss in my life before. I've burried the most important people in my life. My grandma who raised me, my mom.. The difference with those losses is that I had someone on my side to help me through. When grandma went I had my mom. Mom was amazing. I wish I could hear her now, to have her support because she was always so smart and strong and loving. When mom passed I thought I'd loose it, but I had tex. He was so supportive and helped me through the loss. Now, as I go through the loss of you, I'm doing this alone. Yes I have friends and they have been very supportive, but none of them love me the way I've had love before when I went through a loss. 

You used to tell me you'd always be there for me, that you wouldn't let me be an old maid. You loved me and despite your flaws, you were there for me. I knew I could always count on you. I miss that. You would drop everything for me and have before. Love the way I needed to be loved. Then you gave up. I couldn't let you lie to me about drinking anymore. As loving as you could be you were mean too. We both were mean. It turned unhealthy and angry. All because of the booze. It changed you. I'd wonder which version of you I'd get. When you were sober you were so patient. God, you were great!! You made me feel so happy.. So taken care of, so safe and loved. When you were drunk you were so different. Angry, self loathing, depressed and just the opposite of the man I loved.

I feel this loss unlike any other. I had hoped you would realize how bad drinking was for you. That you would want me more than the bottle. You didn't. I guess it must have been too much for you to do. Instead you just gave up. You gave in to your demons and left me. I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life. I don't know how to get over this. No one else can fill this void I feel.. Fuck I don't want anyone else. I want you. I want SOBER you back! I need to accept that you aren't coming back. I don't want to but you left me. I miss you and love you so much. I'm hurting without you.