Damnit

Seriously when will everything stop reminding me of you? My pain is real and it fucking sucks. I try to not think about you.. Really I try. Nothing works. I miss you so much. 

The stupid song came on tonight while I was out trying to have a normal night out with friends. That Alicia keys song from the commercial that you would sing every morning. I immediately thought of you. You were so funny with that song babe. You sang it like you had soul and could hit the notes. I'll never hear you be silly like that again :(

I am trying not to listen to your messages or read through the correspondance we had and still you are always there reagardless. 

Just got on the bus and the couple behind me is asleep.  Instantly I thought of the time we passed out on the bus and woke up so far from home. Haha! I kicked the gate of a storefront and it cost me an extra 20 bucks to get us home. I got so mad at you I smacked my face on the door in the cab. Oh babe.. My heart hurts when I remember these things.i want to remember you but does it have to hurt so bad? 

I finally put my foot down with you, finally. And what happens? You spiraled out of control and now you are dead. How is that supposed to make me feel? I'll tell you how.. I feel responsible. I remember how you would hold your hand out for me as I got off the bus so I could lean on you (even though I didn't need you to). I remember how you'd have dinner ready when I got home from a long day at work.. You'd always set up my coffee so all I had to do was turn it on when I got up, and you made my oatmeal for me every week. I know you loved me as much as you could. You showed me such. 

The part that kills me inside is that you had AMAZING POTENTIAL. Really you did. You were smarter than I will ever be, and knew more about everything than I ever will. You had such talent and couldn't see it. I wish you could have seen you through my eyes. You'd have seen the man I knew you could be. Instead you decided to waste it away and loose yourself in the bottle. 

I'm mad at you for throwing all of that away. I'm sad you never saw the man I did when you looked at yourself. I'm lonely without your love. I pray you aren't suffering anymore. You didn't deserve to be so miserable. I wish I could have helped you. We could be together and happy right now. Instead I cry alone, wearing your tshirts to bed, thinking of what could have been.

I hope you know now that I love you and that I do have feelings. Lately I wish you were right, this would be so much easier if I didn't have any. 

I love you Lance Ray. I always will. My heart is broken. I'll never love again like I loved you. 

I hope I dream of you tonight. Please kiss me and protect me when I sleep. I need you :(