It's spring

Can't believe you aren't here for this time of year. It's when everything is fresh and new and people are happy. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for almost a month now. How can I be happy when I have a hole the size of a mack truck in my chest?

There is this emptiness that fills me that I just can't shake. I can smile and be cordial to people but all I want to do is go lie on my couch and cry. I miss you. This isn't getting easier and I'm struggling big time.

I haven't been looking at your pictures, not listening to voicemails and still it's all consuming. Everything reminds me of you in some way. I honestly feel as if a piece of me died with you. The beautiful sexy piece is gone.

You brought me so much love, and so many emotions. I know I was angry with you, and we both know it was because I was hurt. I am still hurt. You should have wanted me enough, I should have been enough. I know your kids should have been your motivation but you are just like my dad in that you weren't ready to be a father. I had such hopes that you could change. I tried so hard to change you. You thought it was me being controlling... You were so stubborn and couldn't admit to yourself that you had a problem. I don't know what you were thinking in the end. The things we found at your place truly baffle me. Rob says that you were good at assimilating, you fit in with the people you were around. I can see how that is true but I also think it was something you choose to do. No one forced you to do it. You did it and it hurt you. And you kept doing it. And now you are gone.

I miss your face, your silly beard, the way your head felt when it was fresh shaven. The way you kissed my lips and other places... the way your hands felt on my body. How I always felt so safe and tiny in your arms. I miss watching you watch me. I miss making insane crazy love to you every weekend. I miss the txt messages asking for pictures. I miss so much. I am missing you.

and now I feel like I can't breathe again. God I miss you.