One month

Had a shitty nights sleep again. Woke up at 4:30 then again at 5:30.. Just can't sleep the night through lately. Too much on my mind I guess. 

I find it so hard to believe that it's been a month since I held your hand. I hate that I will never touch you again. I ache for you.

I want to be wrapped in your huge arms and feel your body against mine. You were so tender and loving, always mushy. I know you were only like that with me. We had a very special connection that kept bringing me back to you. I wish it could bring you back to me now. 

One month of not hearing your voice. One month of not getting a message from you. One month of dread and sadness. I look at your pictures all the time. I'm overwhelmed  by how much I miss you. This is so hard. You made promises that I'd never be alone, you would always take care of me. I wish that was how it is. Now all I have left are the reminders of you. My life has been changed by knowing you babe. My routine is one we established, I eat the diet you helped me put together. Go to your gym, spend time with your friends and children. You are still such a part of my life that I feel the loss every minute of the day. One month. How the fuck am I supposed to do this without you? What am I going to do? I know that life goes on, and it isn't the end of the world, but I feel like my world is so empty without you. One month. I swear no one has ever made me feel this way before. I loved your love so much. I wish things were different. 6:20 you breathed your last breath.. Every time I see the clock at that time I hurt all over again. 

I have so many memories of you, good and bad, but I cherish them all the same. You and I were a team- an awesome one at that. Everything we did we did with passion. Made love, went out, laughed, fought, it was all intense. We were intense. I miss you beyond words. 

You are a part of who I am. I will never be the same. My life is now defined by the two most traumatic events in my life- the death of my mother (5/1/07) and the day my heart died (2/25/14). 

I love you and miss you so very much. Please watch over me and show me signs that you haven't abandoned me.. I need your support more than ever. 

RIP babe- one month.