I miss you

I've been looking back at a year ago and what we were doing. Your first oyster bar trip was about a year ago. You were so cute that night. I introduced you to pan roasts and you were like a kid. So happy and excited.. We took a pic to send to your dad :) 

We were also planning our vacation last year this time. We were deciding to go to Jamaica and picking out out resort. 

On March 30 last year you bought me flowers. You were good about being thoughtful. You knew I liked flowers and you got them for me on occasion. I can't remember what the reason was for the flowers but I have a pic of them. 

Incredible how much can change in a year. I remember feeling frustrated with our situation. How I had been asking you to change and try and make our life better. I was working so much and full of stress.. All I wanted was for you to help me. The pressure was too much for me. 

I miss you. I actually miss everything about you. The mushy talk all the time, the staring and the frustrating fights. Taking the bus without you sucks. I miss having you next to me all the time. You were my man, and you left me. Now I'm alone and have no one to hold out his arm so I can step down from the bus. 

You'll never meet me at the gym again. No more ordering mooncake for dinner. No more awesome fish tacos. No more you getting me juices to have after my work out. For all the things you didn't do well those weren't the small thoughtful things. You were so thoughtful. Always willing to so something for me except when it meant you needed to change. 

I think I'm at the stage of grief where I'm accepting you aren't coming back. 5 weeks tomorrow.. Almost 6 weeks since you've sent me a message. No matter I still wake up looking for a message from you. I still sleep in your tshirts, and the picture of you comes with me into the bedroom at night. I talk to you, but I don't know if you hear me. I miss you. I miss your company and the way you felt. I'm so afraid I'll forget how that was. I do to want to forget. I want you to be here to remind me.. Damn you! Damn you for taking those things away from me. You made promises to me, did you intend to keep those? Did you know that you wouldn't be able to keep them? I feel you might have known. 

In another desperate attempt to find something from you, I went through the clothes that you wore to the hospital. You didn't have underwear with you and I had wondered why. Then I saw the jeans. You must have known how sick you were. Just from what I saw, the jeans were so soiled. I wonder if that was why you ended up going to the hospital. I wish you'd have gone sooner. You might still be here with me. I'd take care of you. You always said I'd be the one who got the best of you. I think I did. I wish you saw what I did in you. So much beauty in you that you ignored. You let those dark thoughts drag you down. Robin offered to help. Were you just too proud? Do you know that this isn't how I wanted our relationship to end? I wanted losing me to scare you straight. It just pushed you further down the wrong path. I'm sad. I feel your loss all around me. I've never felt so alone before. I've been just looking for distractions lately, they help temporarily but when I'm alone I'm back with reality. 

It was supposed to be you. I'm devastated and miss you so much. 

I love you always Lance. Always