I wonder

So many questions.. I wish you were here to answer them. I know the important answers but life is about the little things not the big ones. 

I know you loved me more than any other woman in your life. You told me and you told my friends. I don't think that was bullshit

I know you liked me too.. We definitely were best friends 

I know I "did it for you"

I know I was the best lover you ever had

I know you felt I made you a better man

I know you liked the way I took care of you

I know you missed me when we didn't see each other

I know you thought about me all the time

I know you liked how tiny I am compared to you.. (This always made me smile)

I know you liked how I smoked

I know I fulfilled some of your fantasies

I know you wanted to take care of me for ever

These things I know.. It's what I don't know that eats me up

Did you know you were killing yourself?

Did you think you were invincible?

Did you want to change?

Were you capable of change?

Did you want to die?

Did you realize we would all be devastated without you? 

Can you see me now?

Are you with me in spirit? 

I can't even think of all the questions I have. It hurts and I'm crying again. 

This is so hard. I miss you with my entire being. You were my love. You are my love. I'm broken without you.